We don't have a saying like that for girls. At least not one I know. We say, don't get your panties in a bunch. We say. you cry like a girl. We say, well, we say lots of things that imply that women, girls are weaker, and less desirable to be. Hell there are countries that prize their men so highly that orphanages are full of abandoned little girls.
I am sure there are men out there who feel this, but I can only speak for myself. I spend a lot of time feeling inadequate. Like adulthood has come over me while I still feel and often act adolescent. Becoming a parent while I am unsure about weather or not I am still a child. Of course not all the time, but these are the thoughts that come when I allow my world to be quiet. When I stop doing all those things that I do, when I am still and I let my mind free, I realize I am focused in strange ways and really scattered in others. I confuse the things that are important.
I work with youth, but it has been made clear to me that around them I am more of a teen than a leader. Funny thing is that although it stung to hear it (directed at the room, 3 people, and not me directly) I have known it for quite awhile. It's not cool, and I either have to learn how to lead or I have to stop all together. I've got to Man Up. I'll dwell on this way longer than it deserves. The message I hear is kind of, you are not really doing or being what we need. Not a good fit and not enough. Thing is that I don't think I agree. Nonetheless, things have to change. Man Up.
I have this new hair cut and although I did it for all the right reasons I really feel like it didn't have any impact and now I feel I look like, you guessed it, a man. With boobs, but still a man. My hair, my stupid hair, and now I feel like less of a woman, less attractive which really sucks because I already didn't feel so attractive most of the time. I am trying to ride it out with a smile when people tell me they love it and think I should keep it this way. Boy have I ever Manned Up.
Really though I think Manning Up should be about facing something hard. In the movie 58: one of the people in the film says "Find the hard things that God calls you to do, and do them" DO THEM. For me that is things that others would think are easy. Value myself. Take care of myself. You would think that was easy bit it is so much easier to do that for someone else. They say You can't love someone else until you love yourself. Well, I think that's shit, I am full of love for others and I think it is totally unfair to diminish that love because I have a hard time with it for myself. It is in those moments where all it quiet when I question my relationship and commitment to myself. I don't question what my value is in this world to others, it's my value to myself that is harder. I'm afraid of losing it all just because I ;ove them more that I love me.
I need to figure out why I get excited and inspired by all the people and things around me and then let it go so quickly and slump back down into business and avoidance. I feel like my story is out there. Over and over again. Many people go through all I have and more. Man Up Rebekah.
I can't force my hair to grow, but I can work on the rest of loving me till it does it on it's own.
Be
