Happy December,
I am listening to "Mighty Like A Rose", by Roger Whittaker. For me this album (Christmas Collection) is my essential go to Christmas album. It isn't Christmas without it. Not really. I sung this when I was about 8, at church at Christmas time, with my Dad on guitar. I remember being so frightened and excited at the same time. I'm not sure they could even hear me.
I have spent a great deal of time feeling that way. Like I am not being heard. Maybe, if we just don't respond she'll . . . go away . . . change her mind . . . forget about it . . . do it on her own. Maybe, or maybe it'll just slowly make her wither away. Build walls so the rejection doesn't hurt. Physical walls. I've written before about sitting in your moment. Just not running. That stillness, is incredible. That quiet, when I let it enter, it fills me till I can't contain it. I think it is in those moments that I write the best. And in those moments I do not need to be heard, because I know someone is listening. It is those moments I know that I am conversation with God. And those moments erase every doubt I have. The doubts come back, but in the back of my mind I know my next moment of peace isn't really that far away. Those are the moments I feel like I can take down the walls I've built for myself. My "fat suit"
All I can speak to is my own experience being 'overweight', but I think it is possible that many fat people feel this way. The "fat suit" , the body armor. It's separate from who you are. Different from how you see yourself in your minds eye. No one is fat on the inside. I forget. I do. But when I remember, it's devistating. The "fat suit" is fabulous really. Amazing in it's complexity. The more you want to hide, the more visible you become. The self destruction, by something essential to life. I want to get out of the suit. I do, yet I still wear it. I have begun many things to try to rid myself of this suit, but finished none. I rarely pray about it though and I am a prayer.
A life long dedicated prayer. Disturbed in some respects. I remember being 6 or 7 and my parents had decided (mistakenly) to explain the threats of nuclear war to me. Holy Hell! At night I PRAYED. I had this belt with a magnetic clasp, and the Concord used to pass over head just after bed time. I would pray and promise the world that if I could just click my magnetic buckle 10 times between the 2 sets of sonic booms we would be safe for the night. I'm not sure if it's just childhood self preservation, but I never put the challenge out of reach. I don't remember when or why I stopped, but I do remember realizing one night that I hadn't done it in awhile. The relief I felt at having that responsibility taken from me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight.
God, I wish that the troubles I carry around in my fat suit would go away. They are not current, they are not now. They have molded me in someways into the woman I and but they in themselves must be done with and put away. I wish I knew how to let go of the foundations of the suit and let it all fall away. I do not not know what it it is I am afraid of finding underneath. It's been so very long since I've known that girl. I know she is young, but there is untapped strength in her and I am just so tired of carrying this damned thing around.
You know this decision I've made to explore theology as a calling is opening me up to new things. I think, though I believe timing is right, that pushing back the desire to do this may have forced me to shut down parts of me that are vital to my health. Mental and physical. I didn't eat the whole pizza tonight. Not because of will power, I have little of that when faced with food, but because I didn't really want it. I think the denial of this essential part of myself has played a bigger part in the state of things in Beki land than I ever would have considered.
People may think I am strange and that it is crazy to be doing this, but I am feeling more settled and able to be myself than I can remember. I find myself surrounded but people who think my choice is a good one and without exception have been supportive. These are the people whom I know will embrace with me what comes next. I expect to be challenged, to have those who know me best to make me think this through. But in the end I know that this will be good for us all.
I sing "Mighty Like A Rose" to my son at night as a lullaby now and think back to being that little girl and how scared I was. There is more to come and all the love and support I need to overcome it.
Thank you
Be
Showing posts with label life lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life lessons. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
EASY
It's easier to stay the way you are than to change.
Somehow though, if when you look in the mirror and you don't know who you are seeing, if the face looking out at you bears little resemblance to who you expected to see - easy isn't so easy to swallow.
This is where I find myself most days. Staring into a face that holds little of what I remember it being. Granted sometimes this is a happy thing. If you imagined yourself a crack whore for example and looked in the mirror one day and realized an accountant was staring back at you - you just might be a-okay with that discovery. Unfortunately in my case I am not being wowed by improvements on what I thought my potential was. I'm not living in better skin.
I am willing to concede (with ease and delight) That I have a better husband, albeit very different, than I ever imagined. And to my fascination, my kids are incredible little beings. With my family I am truly blessed and forever grateful.
It isn't my external life really that is the problem. I have no target for my frustration. I have held onto those "causative" excuses for far too long. It is time to move forward. To "pilot my own ship". Interestingly though I think I may need to go back through the storm with this 'adult' head and make some sense of it.
It occurred to me tonight that my life would be very different if I just stood still. Stopped running. I am positive that D-n-D's worst was much tamer than my imagination. I am sure they counted on that. What would you do if you were a stupid mean boy and you were chasing a little girl with sticks, and she just simply stopped running away from you? Novel idea - at least to me. And then I thought, "I'm still doing it" I am flabbergasted (ohh I do like typing that word flabbergasted, flabbergasted, flabbergasted - wheeeee) A n y w a y , I am flabbergasted with myself. The idea of this completely struck me. I am still running for my life, when standing still, well it would just about change everything.
M* comments about everything, I am pretty sure most children her age (4) do. She tells me that she got mud on her sock, that she forgot something at daycare, that her friend was 'naughty'. I often respond with, "well, is that going to be the end of the world?" To date the answer has always been "no", and rightly so. I did not have this insight as a child. I don't know if I thought past don't let them catch me, to what would they do? I don't remember. I think it would would have taken all the fun (odd sense of fun) out of it for them.
So.
Easy, isn't.
and
Stand still.
My new lessons for today.
Be
Somehow though, if when you look in the mirror and you don't know who you are seeing, if the face looking out at you bears little resemblance to who you expected to see - easy isn't so easy to swallow.
This is where I find myself most days. Staring into a face that holds little of what I remember it being. Granted sometimes this is a happy thing. If you imagined yourself a crack whore for example and looked in the mirror one day and realized an accountant was staring back at you - you just might be a-okay with that discovery. Unfortunately in my case I am not being wowed by improvements on what I thought my potential was. I'm not living in better skin.
I am willing to concede (with ease and delight) That I have a better husband, albeit very different, than I ever imagined. And to my fascination, my kids are incredible little beings. With my family I am truly blessed and forever grateful.
It isn't my external life really that is the problem. I have no target for my frustration. I have held onto those "causative" excuses for far too long. It is time to move forward. To "pilot my own ship". Interestingly though I think I may need to go back through the storm with this 'adult' head and make some sense of it.
It occurred to me tonight that my life would be very different if I just stood still. Stopped running. I am positive that D-n-D's worst was much tamer than my imagination. I am sure they counted on that. What would you do if you were a stupid mean boy and you were chasing a little girl with sticks, and she just simply stopped running away from you? Novel idea - at least to me. And then I thought, "I'm still doing it" I am flabbergasted (ohh I do like typing that word flabbergasted, flabbergasted, flabbergasted - wheeeee) A n y w a y , I am flabbergasted with myself. The idea of this completely struck me. I am still running for my life, when standing still, well it would just about change everything.
M* comments about everything, I am pretty sure most children her age (4) do. She tells me that she got mud on her sock, that she forgot something at daycare, that her friend was 'naughty'. I often respond with, "well, is that going to be the end of the world?" To date the answer has always been "no", and rightly so. I did not have this insight as a child. I don't know if I thought past don't let them catch me, to what would they do? I don't remember. I think it would would have taken all the fun (odd sense of fun) out of it for them.
So.
Easy, isn't.
and
Stand still.
My new lessons for today.
Be
Friday, April 24, 2009
Wondermint
I have been thinking, partially because I've been watching musicals lately, about living our fantasy life. I'm pretty sure we all have one. When we close our eyes and everything falls into line. Where life is what you hoped it would be.
I am positive that there are some who have found themselves so far from where they wanted to be. There was a shooting not too far from our house on Wednesday evening, and, after I stopped being scared, I started thinking about these guys. How do they find themselves in a position where they feel the need to kill each other? They must be light years away from their fantasy life. I think that perhaps in bed in the quiet of night that the gunman feels this in his soul. How can you get to the point where this feels okay and good in your heart.
Then there are others who seem to be living it. There is nothing I could have wanted more than to be in a musical in high school. To go to a performing arts school and live the life of Vanessa Hudgens. Their lives weren't perfect, but still it was magic. At least I imagine it to be. Then, I think about all these people who are "livin' the dream" and just how miserable some of them seem to be. Perhaps living your fantasy life (at least if it involves the public eye) is not what it is cracked up to be.
What I really believe though is that the majority of the developed worlds population actually has the makings to live that life, at their disposal. I know I do. I need to, at some point soon, face up to the fact that any short comings in my life are of my own doing. Even if it didn't start out that way by now any path I take really is of my own choosing. Anything I am unhappy with is within my power to change. What prevents it? My fantasy life isn't perfect. I'm not seeking perfection. I have come to understand that the search for perfection is not only futile, but not even worthwhile. Perfect is too costly, unattractive to the human eye, and much too difficult to maintain. It's simply not realistic. My fantasy life is . . . well different. It's strange because I've never been a girl to daydream (okay okay let me finish) about concrete things. I didn't know what I wanted my wedding to be like until after I had it. (BTW I think my wedding rocked!) I didn't have a dream house in mind until I was in my late 20's and even then it came to me in a dream (yes, while I was sleeping). My fantasy life I think is more about a feeling and about experience. I do not feel like I am fulfilling my potential. I am not getting out there and doing all the things I wanted to. And interestingly, when I look back on the things I did attempt that would take me closer to that 'life goal' I would do something to screw it up. I can think of two instances where I had a chance to grab life and live it, and I really wanted to, but I hung back, drew inward and boom. No new and exciting thing for you.
Something in me has been holding me back for years, decades really. I've done enough to get wait listed. I'm always 2nd string, and it's my own doing. Camp counselor at a special needs camp. I had loads of valid experience, but I chose to be a loner at the training camp and I was on standby. And yes, I did chose that behaviour. Canada World Youth - almost exactly the same thing. Too reserved. I wanted those things so badly and yet I couldn't seem to get out of my own way.
So a question.
How do we get out of our own way. Stop screwing ourselves over. Because I know that at the end of the day no matter what hand I've been dealt, no matter who's lives I have had the misfortune of intersecting with in the past. Right here, right now I am driving my own ship. Or . . . I should be. Actively being my own pilot. I think a lot of the time right now I am not even a co-pilot, at best a flight attendant and I think generally I am usually a passenger in coach.
COACH - seriously. How do you get to be in the cockpit?
I am positive that there are some who have found themselves so far from where they wanted to be. There was a shooting not too far from our house on Wednesday evening, and, after I stopped being scared, I started thinking about these guys. How do they find themselves in a position where they feel the need to kill each other? They must be light years away from their fantasy life. I think that perhaps in bed in the quiet of night that the gunman feels this in his soul. How can you get to the point where this feels okay and good in your heart.
Then there are others who seem to be living it. There is nothing I could have wanted more than to be in a musical in high school. To go to a performing arts school and live the life of Vanessa Hudgens. Their lives weren't perfect, but still it was magic. At least I imagine it to be. Then, I think about all these people who are "livin' the dream" and just how miserable some of them seem to be. Perhaps living your fantasy life (at least if it involves the public eye) is not what it is cracked up to be.
What I really believe though is that the majority of the developed worlds population actually has the makings to live that life, at their disposal. I know I do. I need to, at some point soon, face up to the fact that any short comings in my life are of my own doing. Even if it didn't start out that way by now any path I take really is of my own choosing. Anything I am unhappy with is within my power to change. What prevents it? My fantasy life isn't perfect. I'm not seeking perfection. I have come to understand that the search for perfection is not only futile, but not even worthwhile. Perfect is too costly, unattractive to the human eye, and much too difficult to maintain. It's simply not realistic. My fantasy life is . . . well different. It's strange because I've never been a girl to daydream (okay okay let me finish) about concrete things. I didn't know what I wanted my wedding to be like until after I had it. (BTW I think my wedding rocked!) I didn't have a dream house in mind until I was in my late 20's and even then it came to me in a dream (yes, while I was sleeping). My fantasy life I think is more about a feeling and about experience. I do not feel like I am fulfilling my potential. I am not getting out there and doing all the things I wanted to. And interestingly, when I look back on the things I did attempt that would take me closer to that 'life goal' I would do something to screw it up. I can think of two instances where I had a chance to grab life and live it, and I really wanted to, but I hung back, drew inward and boom. No new and exciting thing for you.
Something in me has been holding me back for years, decades really. I've done enough to get wait listed. I'm always 2nd string, and it's my own doing. Camp counselor at a special needs camp. I had loads of valid experience, but I chose to be a loner at the training camp and I was on standby. And yes, I did chose that behaviour. Canada World Youth - almost exactly the same thing. Too reserved. I wanted those things so badly and yet I couldn't seem to get out of my own way.
So a question.
How do we get out of our own way. Stop screwing ourselves over. Because I know that at the end of the day no matter what hand I've been dealt, no matter who's lives I have had the misfortune of intersecting with in the past. Right here, right now I am driving my own ship. Or . . . I should be. Actively being my own pilot. I think a lot of the time right now I am not even a co-pilot, at best a flight attendant and I think generally I am usually a passenger in coach.
COACH - seriously. How do you get to be in the cockpit?
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