written in the afternoon today while having lunch:
It's time. It's time.
the goal? 50% off
Myself
My Spending
My Wasted Time
Eating out
It's time to live up top my own expectations. Time to pear down the things that clutter up my life. Time to eliminate the excess: me, stuff, spending, waste.
Time to change what I see when I look at myself, what I think when I think of myself. To change and be my own inspiration rather than looking to the outside. Time to be me, not avoid my true nature or think I need to to make up for how I look.
I have these amazing people in my life who have so regularly shown me that they see past the outside to the inside, and that they find the outside beautiful too.I don't know why I can't do the same for myself.
There are so many things that I want. That I could have. I just can't seem to stay out of my own way long enough to get there. I am considered 'successful' but I don't feel that way. That feeling of failure is 100% connected to my size. Logically that is completely ridiculous. I know that. However, despite the amazing husband, fantastic children, supportive family, loving friends and growing business the yard stick by which I measure myself is focused on my weight.
Remarkable
Stupid
Remarkably Stupid
Now, my daughter begins school in September and my son is well on his way to toddler-hood. I think. It's time.
Put my energy into things I need them to be in. Put my energy into me. Selflessly. I feel like my self energy has been selfish. Destructive, even if it hasn't been obvious.It's not even about not knowing what I want. I know what I want. It's about making choices that leave me happy and content at the end of everyday. About putting good things into my body. When I spend a moment thinking about what kind of punishment I have inflicted on my body. It's inhumane. There is no respect.
So I am standing (well sitting) before myself (ponder that magical move for a moment) and all (eight) of you and I am saying THANK YOU. My body has endured things it shouldn't have had to. It has protected me. Given me two beautiful (and sleeping) children. It has had enough. It tells me so with more and more frequency.
To my body:
THANK YOU
for continuing to move forward
for giving me the gifts you have
for requiring better of me.
The waiting is over.
The time is now.
Love Be
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Musicals
I Love Love Love Musicals.
They don't really even have to be good ones. If people are singing and dancing and happy at the end I'm hooked. In someways I think R* thinks this is a deficiency in me, because I am not more selective, critical. More like him. Meh. Then I wouldn't be me. I like things that make me happy and feel good. Enough things are happening that don't make me feel that way, so, to coin an overused phrase, "Sue Me".
However, after watching High School Musical 3, for the 3rd time. (and to clarify, no I do not think this is a "good" musical, but I still like it) I think that there is a downside to this love love love affair with musicals. I have constantly got the urge to sing in public, and desperately wish I could live in a musical. I want to have that kind of, gees I don't even know what the word is.
Why is it that as adults we have to abandon all that High School goodness. Again, please don't think for a second that I found High School to be full of High School Musical goodness. I did not. Sigh. But I wanted it, I wanted it. But now as a 35 year old woman, wife and mother of two . . . I still want it. There were desperate moments of LIFE in my past that I really do want to find again. When I did something because I wanted to see someone (Lord help me who who it may have been) more than anything. Get into my car at 11 pm drive for 2 hours to spend the night with someone and then get back into the car at 7 am to be back at class for 10am. Why don't 'grownup' people do that anymore. And moreover, why the couldn't I find someone who wanted to do that for me. (my fab R* did of course drive all 1600 km to see me for a weekend once) But where does that romantic urge go? Is it my fault? Have I managed to 'let myself go' to an extent that no one feels compelled to wake me up at 3 because they can't wait to tell me something. (thought I was going somewhere else didn't you) How is it that you inspire that kind of passion in your life? In your friends, lovers, children, in your family, but mostly, in yourself. It is true apathy reins supreme.
Aren't you sick of it. I think that is why so many theatre romances happen. Because, in that moment, it is so much better than anything real life has to offer. Well, perhaps I want to give it up. Pack up my family and move onto a stage. Once you play a part for long enough couldn't it become real? I know that dissatisfaction with your life can really only be placed in your own lap. Own it and change it if you want to, but for God's sake stop complaining.
What could have been couldn't. Really. The "What If" game is crap. What we have is of our own making. We have etched the path we are on. Allowed others to etch beside us. We are affected by who we chose to be affected by. There are many who glide past us who we chose not to see, and others who are welcomed in and others who invade. Perhaps opening our eyes to those gliding past would have taken us in a different direction. But you know I am not sure if I believe that is true. To do that you would have had to be a different you. Different people would have come in and others still glide by.
The musical - and sometimes just a good ol' chick flick leaves me feeling like I am not doing enough. I try. At least I tell myself I do. I tell my family I love them. I still do things just to catch R*'s attention. (a lot like when we were first together) I wonder sometimes why I do that, is it insecurity? After 13 + years I should be well past that. Maybe it is just me trying to jump out of the comfort zone and remind him that we still have a life with each other to live outside of our house, jobs and children. But I wonder if he feels like he should still be trying to impress me. If not *damn it* how do I get him to try and impress me again. (at this point I would like to remind my handful of readers - Literally on one hand - that he does indeed read this, or at least I send it to him, and this is not me being passive aggressive and trying to get him into things without actually talking to him . . . I SWEAR HONEY it isn't. I just write what I'm thinking and you lucky sucks get to read it . . . if you chose)
I want passion in all aspects of my life. I want to inspire someone to be the best person they can be. I want to drive someone to distraction, I want to feel like I can do anything. Live, planned and unplanned adventures and to thrive, not just survive. Really in so many ways a truly apathetic word. Wouldn't you like to do more than just survive?
I Want That.
Love Be
They don't really even have to be good ones. If people are singing and dancing and happy at the end I'm hooked. In someways I think R* thinks this is a deficiency in me, because I am not more selective, critical. More like him. Meh. Then I wouldn't be me. I like things that make me happy and feel good. Enough things are happening that don't make me feel that way, so, to coin an overused phrase, "Sue Me".
However, after watching High School Musical 3, for the 3rd time. (and to clarify, no I do not think this is a "good" musical, but I still like it) I think that there is a downside to this love love love affair with musicals. I have constantly got the urge to sing in public, and desperately wish I could live in a musical. I want to have that kind of, gees I don't even know what the word is.
Why is it that as adults we have to abandon all that High School goodness. Again, please don't think for a second that I found High School to be full of High School Musical goodness. I did not. Sigh. But I wanted it, I wanted it. But now as a 35 year old woman, wife and mother of two . . . I still want it. There were desperate moments of LIFE in my past that I really do want to find again. When I did something because I wanted to see someone (Lord help me who who it may have been) more than anything. Get into my car at 11 pm drive for 2 hours to spend the night with someone and then get back into the car at 7 am to be back at class for 10am. Why don't 'grownup' people do that anymore. And moreover, why the couldn't I find someone who wanted to do that for me. (my fab R* did of course drive all 1600 km to see me for a weekend once) But where does that romantic urge go? Is it my fault? Have I managed to 'let myself go' to an extent that no one feels compelled to wake me up at 3 because they can't wait to tell me something. (thought I was going somewhere else didn't you) How is it that you inspire that kind of passion in your life? In your friends, lovers, children, in your family, but mostly, in yourself. It is true apathy reins supreme.
Aren't you sick of it. I think that is why so many theatre romances happen. Because, in that moment, it is so much better than anything real life has to offer. Well, perhaps I want to give it up. Pack up my family and move onto a stage. Once you play a part for long enough couldn't it become real? I know that dissatisfaction with your life can really only be placed in your own lap. Own it and change it if you want to, but for God's sake stop complaining.
What could have been couldn't. Really. The "What If" game is crap. What we have is of our own making. We have etched the path we are on. Allowed others to etch beside us. We are affected by who we chose to be affected by. There are many who glide past us who we chose not to see, and others who are welcomed in and others who invade. Perhaps opening our eyes to those gliding past would have taken us in a different direction. But you know I am not sure if I believe that is true. To do that you would have had to be a different you. Different people would have come in and others still glide by.
The musical - and sometimes just a good ol' chick flick leaves me feeling like I am not doing enough. I try. At least I tell myself I do. I tell my family I love them. I still do things just to catch R*'s attention. (a lot like when we were first together) I wonder sometimes why I do that, is it insecurity? After 13 + years I should be well past that. Maybe it is just me trying to jump out of the comfort zone and remind him that we still have a life with each other to live outside of our house, jobs and children. But I wonder if he feels like he should still be trying to impress me. If not *damn it* how do I get him to try and impress me again. (at this point I would like to remind my handful of readers - Literally on one hand - that he does indeed read this, or at least I send it to him, and this is not me being passive aggressive and trying to get him into things without actually talking to him . . . I SWEAR HONEY it isn't. I just write what I'm thinking and you lucky sucks get to read it . . . if you chose)
I want passion in all aspects of my life. I want to inspire someone to be the best person they can be. I want to drive someone to distraction, I want to feel like I can do anything. Live, planned and unplanned adventures and to thrive, not just survive. Really in so many ways a truly apathetic word. Wouldn't you like to do more than just survive?
I Want That.
Love Be
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