Full circle song

Happy December,

I am listening to "Mighty Like A Rose", by Roger Whittaker. For me this album (Christmas Collection) is my essential go to Christmas album. It isn't Christmas without it. Not really. I sung this when I was about 8, at church at Christmas time, with my Dad on guitar. I remember being so frightened and excited at the same time. I'm not sure they could even hear me.

I have spent a great deal of time feeling that way. Like I am not being heard. Maybe, if we just don't respond she'll . . . go away . . . change her mind . . . forget about it . . . do it on her own. Maybe, or maybe it'll just slowly make her wither away. Build walls so the rejection doesn't hurt. Physical walls. I've written before about sitting in your moment. Just not running. That stillness, is incredible. That quiet, when I let it enter, it fills me till I can't contain it. I think it is in those moments that I write the best. And in those moments I do not need to be heard, because I know someone is listening. It is those moments I know that I am conversation with God. And those moments erase every doubt I have. The doubts come back, but in the back of my mind I know my next moment of peace isn't really that far away. Those are the moments I feel like I can take down the walls I've built for myself. My "fat suit"

All I can speak to is my own experience being 'overweight', but I think it is possible that many fat people feel this way. The "fat suit" , the body armor. It's separate from who you are. Different from how you see yourself in your minds eye. No one is fat on the inside. I forget. I do. But when I remember, it's devistating. The "fat suit" is fabulous really. Amazing in it's complexity. The more you want to hide, the more visible you become. The self destruction, by something essential to life. I want to get out of the suit. I do, yet I still wear it. I have begun many things to try to rid myself of this suit, but finished none. I rarely pray about it though and I am a prayer.

A life long dedicated prayer. Disturbed in some respects. I remember being 6 or 7 and my parents had decided (mistakenly) to explain the threats of nuclear war to me. Holy Hell! At night I PRAYED. I had this belt with a magnetic clasp, and the Concord used to pass over head just after bed time. I would pray and promise the world that if I could just click my magnetic buckle 10 times between the 2 sets of sonic booms we would be safe for the night. I'm not sure if it's just childhood self preservation, but I never put the challenge out of reach. I don't remember when or why I stopped, but I do remember realizing one night that I hadn't done it in awhile. The relief I felt at having that responsibility taken from me.

I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight.
God, I wish that the troubles I carry around in my fat suit would go away. They are not current, they are not now. They have molded me in someways into the woman I and but they in themselves must be done with and put away. I wish I knew how to let go of the foundations of the suit and let it all fall away. I do not not know what it it is I am afraid of finding underneath. It's been so very long since I've known that girl. I know she is young, but there is untapped strength in her and I am just so tired of carrying this damned thing around.

You know this decision I've made to explore theology as a calling is opening me up to new things. I think, though I believe timing is right, that pushing back the desire to do this may have forced me to shut down parts of me that are vital to my health. Mental and physical. I didn't eat the whole pizza tonight. Not because of will power, I have little of that when faced with food, but because I didn't really want it. I think the denial of this essential part of myself has played a bigger part in the state of things in Beki land than I ever would have considered.

People may think I am strange and that it is crazy to be doing this, but I am feeling more settled and able to be myself than I can remember. I find myself surrounded but people who think my choice is a good one and without exception have been supportive. These are the people whom I know will embrace with me what comes next. I expect to be challenged, to have those who know me best to make me think this through. But in the end I know that this will be good for us all.

I sing "Mighty Like A Rose" to my son at night as a lullaby now and think back to being that little girl and how scared I was. There is more to come and all the love and support I need to overcome it.

Thank you

Be