Hey guys,
I know it's been awhile. You been waiting with baited breath I bet. *chuckle* I've been avoiding you. Sorry. Avoiding me really. Not unusual. No real reason except here I tend to feel compelled to face the internal voice and confront the feelings of spinning out of control. I may have mentioned before that a girlfriend of mine thinks I've been in an existential crisis since she has known me (I believe we met in 2000). This is what that means according to Wiki:
An existential crisis is a stage of development at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether their life has any meaning, purpose or value; whether their parents, teachers, and loved ones truly act in their best interest; whether the values they have been taught have any merit; and whether their religious upbringing may or may not be founded in reality.
Until I read this definition I tended to agree with her. Now, I'm sure this isn't accurate. I believe my life has meaning, if not, I believe it would be over. The people who truly truly love(d) me always felt they had my best interest at heart, and those who didn't, didn't / don't love me. My parents did their very best by me and whether I would do the same in the same situation is irrelevant. I believe they are / were perfect parents for me and as close as I could ever hope to be as a parent. As screwed up as I may be . . . it could be soooooo much worse. Teachers, are teachers I think in High School you kind of feel like if they weren't against you they were for you and mine were for me. I believe that what I have been taught is truth. That is because what I have really been taught is to question. Faith, people, teachers, God, my partner, my children. Everything else is variable.
I think, instead, that I may just have been struggling to put my life thus far in it's perspective. It never ceases to piss me off when some damned thing you figure you have finally dealt with rears it's ugly head again in a new and horrifying manner. You feel thrown backwards and wonder for a devastating moment if you've got to start all over again before finding yourself reeling forward again. My dear friend just happens to be called to my doorstep mid hurdle almost every time and so I can see why she feels this is true of me.
Perhaps my crisis isn't actually a crisis, but a search. I guess feeling like there was more to me than what I have been putting out there. Not in crisis over what has been (well okay sometimes) but an irritation that what I thought would have been accomplished at this point hasn't been or perhaps I'm not who I thought I would be at 36. Of course there is also the never ending fear that I will never live up to my (self defined) potential. Sadly, that last bit is way more tied in with my weight than anything this profound and important should be.
So. I am not unhappy with how I got here. I would not be who I am (and generally I like me) without the path that I have trodden. It is how I got here and why I am me. And now I am just so freakin' excited about my future. I am feeling like these decisions I am making, these changes I am making, they are about to rock me to my foundation. They are going to lift me above myself, get me out of my way and give the clarity I have been feeling I lack.
I pray with all that I have that my journey to ministry is a journey of growth for everyone it touches. That the fear and insecurity that my changing might create, fall away and all that is left is knowing that this is what is right for me. How can something that is so right for me not also bring wonderful things to those who mean the world to me.
I love you
I truly do
Nobody knows me like you.
You hold my hand
Keep me sane
When I forget even my name.
I want you
Always near
My heart is yours, no fear.
Love
Be
Okay, if I had read that wikipedia article first, I wouldn't have said existential crisis either. And frankly, since I've taken philosophy in university, I know that existential crisis isn't the academically right word for what I meant.
ReplyDeleteBut think about how that phrase is used in common parlance – the idea that people hit a wall where they question if their life has *the right* or *enough* meaning. That’s where I feel like you’ve been for years, and it has nothing to do with me being called in mid-hurdle (which I don’t mind doing, by the way).
I know that your life is meaningful to you – you love your kids and your husband, you love being an RMT, you love your family and friends, you love creating things with that crafty and resourceful brain of yours ... the list could go on for pages. But what I meant by existential crisis (again, wrong phrase) is your constant desire to do more, be more, fulfill this potential that you feel exists but you can’t tangibly experience. You feel like there should be more, and more importantly, you feel like you should *be* more, and you’ve been searching for how to do this for years. But unlike a lot of people who are less self aware than you, feeling like you’re fumbling for how to achieve your potential really upsets you, and seeing you so upset for so many years upsets me. It is your level of upset with yourself that lent the term crisis to my lingo when talking about this.
And I think these choices you’re making about your future lately will definitely help to alleviate that because you *will* be doing more and becoming more, and I think it is specifically a “more” that is something that touches your spiritually and deeply. At your foundation, you could say, hence my initial reference to existentialism.
Ps. I didn’t get an email update this time, I had to wait for Facebook to tell me you posted. Boooooooooooo.