Walking Without Crutches

I was going to write yesterday but instead I spent an hour mucking about with the design of my page. Any comments?

So onto the topic for last night. Crutches = Spanks! If you don't know what I mean then check out the last episode of Hot in Cleveland "Sisterhood of the Traveling Spanks"

I have pretty much worn one of these 'shapers' everyday for the last 2 years. They are hot in the summer, but cosy in the winter. I'll be honest though, makes things a little more, um, sweaty. Now I am the first to admit they didn't make me look good - in that Hollywood sense of the word anyway. They just made me look, honestly I think a little pregnant. Made all the rolls converge into one roll reminiscent of me at 6 months pregnant. Nonetheless I relied on this little stretchy piece of hell to give me more confidence. They were a real crutch for me. So I have given them up. Oh, I'll pull them out and wrestle them on for the rare dress up day, but the everyday spanks are no more. It has been an amazing transition for me. Nobody looks at me differently, no body points and laughs. Nobody, as it turns out, cares. Shocker!

Moving onto my second crutch. Come on now, they usually travel in pairs. Crutch = SUGAR. Yeah Baby! I new I snuck sweet treats, and I knew that I was an emotional eater, but I was never really aware of what emotion drove me to what food. Turns out loneliness turns me towards sugar. Or, not to give him a big head or anything, but Rob being gone. It really hit home while Rob was away and I was on the cleanse. NO sugar and I nearly bashed my brains in. I'm not surprised, except I'd been off the stuff for like 2 weeks when he left and I went right back to the cravings. Staring at the fridge and begging myself to just walk away and not touch the candy bag. I won, that day anyway.

Turns out I need to live in cleanse mode when he is away. I am taking great strides forward rediscovering my motivation and getting into a relationship with me. And big steps backwards eating later and later at night and choosing sweeter treats again. I'm getting my wheeze on. So very thick in the head, literally and figuratively.

So getting my groove on and back on track is the order of the day. And the good news is that I have noticed a real sense of hunger and of having enough. Nice to eat till enough rather than so bloated and stuffed I wanna stick my finger down my throat. (Not to worry R* just a feeling not an action - won't be revisiting that little gem of time) Back into the swing. I have moved way too far forward to slide back now. Getting acquainted with myself since I have been denying this is really me for more than a decade and so didn't really invest in getting to know me. Can't imagine why anyone else invested time with me when I wasn't, but I will say a great big thank you to those who have. You are truly amazing and you probably know me better than I do.

So I am walking in this world without the aid of those crutches. I can't say I'm always gonna be happy about it, but I'm doing it. I am getting rid of the wheezy sneezy that I turn into when I have sugar. Bye bye cane sugar. It's been crap, but tasty knowing you. I will ,however, be much much better off without you in my life.

I have no idea how well this is gonna go, but I am totally worth it.

Love you
Be