Wondermint

I have been thinking, partially because I've been watching musicals lately, about living our fantasy life. I'm pretty sure we all have one. When we close our eyes and everything falls into line. Where life is what you hoped it would be.

I am positive that there are some who have found themselves so far from where they wanted to be. There was a shooting not too far from our house on Wednesday evening, and, after I stopped being scared, I started thinking about these guys. How do they find themselves in a position where they feel the need to kill each other? They must be light years away from their fantasy life. I think that perhaps in bed in the quiet of night that the gunman feels this in his soul. How can you get to the point where this feels okay and good in your heart.

Then there are others who seem to be living it. There is nothing I could have wanted more than to be in a musical in high school. To go to a performing arts school and live the life of Vanessa Hudgens. Their lives weren't perfect, but still it was magic. At least I imagine it to be. Then, I think about all these people who are "livin' the dream" and just how miserable some of them seem to be. Perhaps living your fantasy life (at least if it involves the public eye) is not what it is cracked up to be.

What I really believe though is that the majority of the developed worlds population actually has the makings to live that life, at their disposal. I know I do. I need to, at some point soon, face up to the fact that any short comings in my life are of my own doing. Even if it didn't start out that way by now any path I take really is of my own choosing. Anything I am unhappy with is within my power to change. What prevents it? My fantasy life isn't perfect. I'm not seeking perfection. I have come to understand that the search for perfection is not only futile, but not even worthwhile. Perfect is too costly, unattractive to the human eye, and much too difficult to maintain. It's simply not realistic. My fantasy life is . . . well different. It's strange because I've never been a girl to daydream (okay okay let me finish) about concrete things. I didn't know what I wanted my wedding to be like until after I had it. (BTW I think my wedding rocked!) I didn't have a dream house in mind until I was in my late 20's and even then it came to me in a dream (yes, while I was sleeping). My fantasy life I think is more about a feeling and about experience. I do not feel like I am fulfilling my potential. I am not getting out there and doing all the things I wanted to. And interestingly, when I look back on the things I did attempt that would take me closer to that 'life goal' I would do something to screw it up. I can think of two instances where I had a chance to grab life and live it, and I really wanted to, but I hung back, drew inward and boom. No new and exciting thing for you.

Something in me has been holding me back for years, decades really. I've done enough to get wait listed. I'm always 2nd string, and it's my own doing. Camp counselor at a special needs camp. I had loads of valid experience, but I chose to be a loner at the training camp and I was on standby. And yes, I did chose that behaviour. Canada World Youth - almost exactly the same thing. Too reserved. I wanted those things so badly and yet I couldn't seem to get out of my own way.

So a question.

How do we get out of our own way. Stop screwing ourselves over. Because I know that at the end of the day no matter what hand I've been dealt, no matter who's lives I have had the misfortune of intersecting with in the past. Right here, right now I am driving my own ship. Or . . . I should be. Actively being my own pilot. I think a lot of the time right now I am not even a co-pilot, at best a flight attendant and I think generally I am usually a passenger in coach.

COACH - seriously. How do you get to be in the cockpit?