I woke up.
Made peace with my body for today and actually - like myself - today.
Love Be
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Füd for thought
My body is in revolt. Or I suppose it finds itself revolting. Hard to tell. Doesn't matter. The end result is the same, being that it is now complaining at a level I can not ignore and it reminding me without the aid of a reflective surface that my ignorance of my current physical situation can not continue. It's all good. I knew it would come to the end eventually. Heck I"ve brought the end into focus a few times with out my body yelling at me. But the ugly truth is . . . it is ugly. Fat is I mean. Interestingly enough in this moment this is completely a separate thought from how I feel about myself as a whole. As a whole person, I actually am generally quite fond of myself really. I guess that is healthy. My fat however, I am not fond of. In fact that is a such a huge understatement I can not even really begin to discover the right word to adequately describe my lack of fondness for my fat. Oh, and it is indeed mine. I own it, I put it there and sadly the magicians in the world have yet to come up with the 'undo' spell for that one. Well, truth be told, I guess that is only fair. "Do the crime, do the time." and all that.
You know, I just recently read a book. A truly terrible book. About a (self described) homely, fat girl who magically becomes her fantasy self over night. Yup, someone wrote THAT book. I mean anyone with a "weight issue" (in quotes because, well, everyone has one) a significant battle with the big F A T, has had this dream. One day you wake up and poof, you are thin. Only she got beautiful too. I hoped I was reading a book about someone who had been told she was fat and ugly and so believed that about herself till one day she woke up self aware and filled with the knowledge that she had the choice to think that way and believe that about herself, or not. It was not the case. It really was a 'poof' your "hot" (because we all know that means something different to different people - except mass media who seems to feel cookie cutter is best) kinda book. And guess what . . . she became super bitch. It took me till almost the last chapter to get on board with this girl at all. Way to feed the hot = bitch stereotype. I rarely meet a book I don't like but I nearly dropped it off at Goodwill without finishing it. Anyway, it got me thinking about that desire to 'poof' into your dream body. Maybe it's a struggle because you need that fight to find out who you are, or remain who you are through the process.
The truth is I don't know skinny, thin, trim or however you want to spin it. I don't know it. I was there once, but that was decades ago. I have been cultivating my fat family for about 26 years. I have seen pictures of me healthy and slim, but I don't remember it. I have a beautiful friend who recently got married. The morning of her wedding she and I went for a walk on the beach. I don't remember how it came about but we did end up talking about weight, hers and mine. Now, she is the thin to my fat. Best friends since we met at age 11, and still friends today though time and space has separated us. She is the type of woman who wore her jeans throughout her pregnancy (with little more than a button undone) and then wore them home after D* was born. What she said was this. Why is is incorrect to call someone fat, but it's okay to call someone skinny? As a fat person, I would say simply, that it was a place I wanted to be and was never said to be mean. I don't know that there is anyone out there who wants to be fat. People tend to call others fat because they know it is hurtful. I think calling someone skinny comes from a different place, from jealousy. That being said, I will think twice before I mention anyone's weight for better or worse (Can you imagine!) again. I thank her for reminding me that there are other crosses to bear. She said that at her current weight she finally feels good on her body, she has curves etc. but that the extra weight (I believe she is about 110 now. NB: 19.11.09 she was actually 125 she tells me) has not gone unnoticed, or without comment on. Pathetic bunch we are that when women who has been slightly underweight gets to a good weight we feel the need to comment on her getting pudgy. UNBELIEVEABLE! I saw her in her skivvies before her wedding dress went on that day. A body that most of us would do stupid things to get. Stupid. I just want to say for the record, N* you are stunning, and an amazing women.
The other thing she said to me was this. "But it doesn't matter how heavy you are. You carry yourself so confidently I hardly even see it." (or something like that) Hmmm. I don't know what to say. I'm glad that fat is not what she sees, but you know she has also known me for 25 years, so I'm guessing the inside me is what she sees first. I don't know that someone meeting me for the first time would say the same. Maybe they would. I have another girlfriend, whose wedding party I was in last week. I am 'twice' the woman that the other bridesmaids are. Mostly though I didn't notice. I promised myself that I would not 'wallflower it' because I am the big girl. I had a great time. At the rehearsal dinner she gave us gifts and a card. That card will be kept forever as one of most prized possessions. My new goal is not about being thin. It is about getting to a place where I can see myself as J* (and N*) see me. Because if I can do that. I am truly successful.
Love Be
BTW: I have no followers on the blog yet so it would be great if you checked it out there.
You know, I just recently read a book. A truly terrible book. About a (self described) homely, fat girl who magically becomes her fantasy self over night. Yup, someone wrote THAT book. I mean anyone with a "weight issue" (in quotes because, well, everyone has one) a significant battle with the big F A T, has had this dream. One day you wake up and poof, you are thin. Only she got beautiful too. I hoped I was reading a book about someone who had been told she was fat and ugly and so believed that about herself till one day she woke up self aware and filled with the knowledge that she had the choice to think that way and believe that about herself, or not. It was not the case. It really was a 'poof' your "hot" (because we all know that means something different to different people - except mass media who seems to feel cookie cutter is best) kinda book. And guess what . . . she became super bitch. It took me till almost the last chapter to get on board with this girl at all. Way to feed the hot = bitch stereotype. I rarely meet a book I don't like but I nearly dropped it off at Goodwill without finishing it. Anyway, it got me thinking about that desire to 'poof' into your dream body. Maybe it's a struggle because you need that fight to find out who you are, or remain who you are through the process.
The truth is I don't know skinny, thin, trim or however you want to spin it. I don't know it. I was there once, but that was decades ago. I have been cultivating my fat family for about 26 years. I have seen pictures of me healthy and slim, but I don't remember it. I have a beautiful friend who recently got married. The morning of her wedding she and I went for a walk on the beach. I don't remember how it came about but we did end up talking about weight, hers and mine. Now, she is the thin to my fat. Best friends since we met at age 11, and still friends today though time and space has separated us. She is the type of woman who wore her jeans throughout her pregnancy (with little more than a button undone) and then wore them home after D* was born. What she said was this. Why is is incorrect to call someone fat, but it's okay to call someone skinny? As a fat person, I would say simply, that it was a place I wanted to be and was never said to be mean. I don't know that there is anyone out there who wants to be fat. People tend to call others fat because they know it is hurtful. I think calling someone skinny comes from a different place, from jealousy. That being said, I will think twice before I mention anyone's weight for better or worse (Can you imagine!) again. I thank her for reminding me that there are other crosses to bear. She said that at her current weight she finally feels good on her body, she has curves etc. but that the extra weight (I believe she is about 110 now. NB: 19.11.09 she was actually 125 she tells me) has not gone unnoticed, or without comment on. Pathetic bunch we are that when women who has been slightly underweight gets to a good weight we feel the need to comment on her getting pudgy. UNBELIEVEABLE! I saw her in her skivvies before her wedding dress went on that day. A body that most of us would do stupid things to get. Stupid. I just want to say for the record, N* you are stunning, and an amazing women.
The other thing she said to me was this. "But it doesn't matter how heavy you are. You carry yourself so confidently I hardly even see it." (or something like that) Hmmm. I don't know what to say. I'm glad that fat is not what she sees, but you know she has also known me for 25 years, so I'm guessing the inside me is what she sees first. I don't know that someone meeting me for the first time would say the same. Maybe they would. I have another girlfriend, whose wedding party I was in last week. I am 'twice' the woman that the other bridesmaids are. Mostly though I didn't notice. I promised myself that I would not 'wallflower it' because I am the big girl. I had a great time. At the rehearsal dinner she gave us gifts and a card. That card will be kept forever as one of most prized possessions. My new goal is not about being thin. It is about getting to a place where I can see myself as J* (and N*) see me. Because if I can do that. I am truly successful.
Love Be
BTW: I have no followers on the blog yet so it would be great if you checked it out there.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
डिस्कवरी डिस्कवरी Discovery
A- HA!
Imagine finding out some thing that in retrospect you have known is true for quite some time, but have handily manage to forget after each telling. Imagine all of a sudden coming to a realization about yourself that you have denied (to yourself) for longer than you can remember.
A- HA!
I guess it would be one of 'those' moments.
A- HA!
So here it is. I'm fat. Not news in the technical sense of the word. Not news at all to anyone who knows me really. Or at the very least has seen me. Here's the weird thing. It's is, in a way, news to me. I knew it of course when I looked in the mirror. I knew it when something that used to fit didn't any more. But I didn't know it. Wasn't in denial, I don't think, but the truth of the matter is I generally felt just fine in my own body and didn't feel fat. So when I walked away from the mirror my brain did some gymnastics which my body is jealous of and managed to drop 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 pounds. MAGIC! Okay, so here is the problem - or, I guess the reality. I am now CONSTANTLY aware of my fat - ness. My tummy is now always in front of me . . . well, yes I guess that is where we all keep it, but mine is just, so, there!
Ugh
So that is what has spurred the latest and, as always, greatest attempt at reshaping me. Hmm yes reshaping. As in I'd like to lose a whole person and shape it into . . . mmmm, what do I want, what do I want . . . heck lets be generous with my extra person and give it to the needy. Seen a runway model in need of some extra padding? Anyone want some boobs or butt. "Oh My God Becky! Look at her butt. It is like so out there." A n y w a y . . . .
So, no I do not have a plan. I know that I am going to make a, um, motivational, nope crap what are they called. a piece of bristol board with pictures of things to keep me on track. They call it something, but in true form my brain has shut me out.
That is all.
Night
Be
Imagine finding out some thing that in retrospect you have known is true for quite some time, but have handily manage to forget after each telling. Imagine all of a sudden coming to a realization about yourself that you have denied (to yourself) for longer than you can remember.
A- HA!
I guess it would be one of 'those' moments.
A- HA!
So here it is. I'm fat. Not news in the technical sense of the word. Not news at all to anyone who knows me really. Or at the very least has seen me. Here's the weird thing. It's is, in a way, news to me. I knew it of course when I looked in the mirror. I knew it when something that used to fit didn't any more. But I didn't know it. Wasn't in denial, I don't think, but the truth of the matter is I generally felt just fine in my own body and didn't feel fat. So when I walked away from the mirror my brain did some gymnastics which my body is jealous of and managed to drop 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 pounds. MAGIC! Okay, so here is the problem - or, I guess the reality. I am now CONSTANTLY aware of my fat - ness. My tummy is now always in front of me . . . well, yes I guess that is where we all keep it, but mine is just, so, there!
Ugh
So that is what has spurred the latest and, as always, greatest attempt at reshaping me. Hmm yes reshaping. As in I'd like to lose a whole person and shape it into . . . mmmm, what do I want, what do I want . . . heck lets be generous with my extra person and give it to the needy. Seen a runway model in need of some extra padding? Anyone want some boobs or butt. "Oh My God Becky! Look at her butt. It is like so out there." A n y w a y . . . .
So, no I do not have a plan. I know that I am going to make a, um, motivational, nope crap what are they called. a piece of bristol board with pictures of things to keep me on track. They call it something, but in true form my brain has shut me out.
That is all.
Night
Be
Time
written in the afternoon today while having lunch:
It's time. It's time.
the goal? 50% off
Myself
My Spending
My Wasted Time
Eating out
It's time to live up top my own expectations. Time to pear down the things that clutter up my life. Time to eliminate the excess: me, stuff, spending, waste.
Time to change what I see when I look at myself, what I think when I think of myself. To change and be my own inspiration rather than looking to the outside. Time to be me, not avoid my true nature or think I need to to make up for how I look.
I have these amazing people in my life who have so regularly shown me that they see past the outside to the inside, and that they find the outside beautiful too.I don't know why I can't do the same for myself.
There are so many things that I want. That I could have. I just can't seem to stay out of my own way long enough to get there. I am considered 'successful' but I don't feel that way. That feeling of failure is 100% connected to my size. Logically that is completely ridiculous. I know that. However, despite the amazing husband, fantastic children, supportive family, loving friends and growing business the yard stick by which I measure myself is focused on my weight.
Remarkable
Stupid
Remarkably Stupid
Now, my daughter begins school in September and my son is well on his way to toddler-hood. I think. It's time.
Put my energy into things I need them to be in. Put my energy into me. Selflessly. I feel like my self energy has been selfish. Destructive, even if it hasn't been obvious.It's not even about not knowing what I want. I know what I want. It's about making choices that leave me happy and content at the end of everyday. About putting good things into my body. When I spend a moment thinking about what kind of punishment I have inflicted on my body. It's inhumane. There is no respect.
So I am standing (well sitting) before myself (ponder that magical move for a moment) and all (eight) of you and I am saying THANK YOU. My body has endured things it shouldn't have had to. It has protected me. Given me two beautiful (and sleeping) children. It has had enough. It tells me so with more and more frequency.
To my body:
THANK YOU
for continuing to move forward
for giving me the gifts you have
for requiring better of me.
The waiting is over.
The time is now.
Love Be
It's time. It's time.
the goal? 50% off
Myself
My Spending
My Wasted Time
Eating out
It's time to live up top my own expectations. Time to pear down the things that clutter up my life. Time to eliminate the excess: me, stuff, spending, waste.
Time to change what I see when I look at myself, what I think when I think of myself. To change and be my own inspiration rather than looking to the outside. Time to be me, not avoid my true nature or think I need to to make up for how I look.
I have these amazing people in my life who have so regularly shown me that they see past the outside to the inside, and that they find the outside beautiful too.I don't know why I can't do the same for myself.
There are so many things that I want. That I could have. I just can't seem to stay out of my own way long enough to get there. I am considered 'successful' but I don't feel that way. That feeling of failure is 100% connected to my size. Logically that is completely ridiculous. I know that. However, despite the amazing husband, fantastic children, supportive family, loving friends and growing business the yard stick by which I measure myself is focused on my weight.
Remarkable
Stupid
Remarkably Stupid
Now, my daughter begins school in September and my son is well on his way to toddler-hood. I think. It's time.
Put my energy into things I need them to be in. Put my energy into me. Selflessly. I feel like my self energy has been selfish. Destructive, even if it hasn't been obvious.It's not even about not knowing what I want. I know what I want. It's about making choices that leave me happy and content at the end of everyday. About putting good things into my body. When I spend a moment thinking about what kind of punishment I have inflicted on my body. It's inhumane. There is no respect.
So I am standing (well sitting) before myself (ponder that magical move for a moment) and all (eight) of you and I am saying THANK YOU. My body has endured things it shouldn't have had to. It has protected me. Given me two beautiful (and sleeping) children. It has had enough. It tells me so with more and more frequency.
To my body:
THANK YOU
for continuing to move forward
for giving me the gifts you have
for requiring better of me.
The waiting is over.
The time is now.
Love Be
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Musicals
I Love Love Love Musicals.
They don't really even have to be good ones. If people are singing and dancing and happy at the end I'm hooked. In someways I think R* thinks this is a deficiency in me, because I am not more selective, critical. More like him. Meh. Then I wouldn't be me. I like things that make me happy and feel good. Enough things are happening that don't make me feel that way, so, to coin an overused phrase, "Sue Me".
However, after watching High School Musical 3, for the 3rd time. (and to clarify, no I do not think this is a "good" musical, but I still like it) I think that there is a downside to this love love love affair with musicals. I have constantly got the urge to sing in public, and desperately wish I could live in a musical. I want to have that kind of, gees I don't even know what the word is.
Why is it that as adults we have to abandon all that High School goodness. Again, please don't think for a second that I found High School to be full of High School Musical goodness. I did not. Sigh. But I wanted it, I wanted it. But now as a 35 year old woman, wife and mother of two . . . I still want it. There were desperate moments of LIFE in my past that I really do want to find again. When I did something because I wanted to see someone (Lord help me who who it may have been) more than anything. Get into my car at 11 pm drive for 2 hours to spend the night with someone and then get back into the car at 7 am to be back at class for 10am. Why don't 'grownup' people do that anymore. And moreover, why the couldn't I find someone who wanted to do that for me. (my fab R* did of course drive all 1600 km to see me for a weekend once) But where does that romantic urge go? Is it my fault? Have I managed to 'let myself go' to an extent that no one feels compelled to wake me up at 3 because they can't wait to tell me something. (thought I was going somewhere else didn't you) How is it that you inspire that kind of passion in your life? In your friends, lovers, children, in your family, but mostly, in yourself. It is true apathy reins supreme.
Aren't you sick of it. I think that is why so many theatre romances happen. Because, in that moment, it is so much better than anything real life has to offer. Well, perhaps I want to give it up. Pack up my family and move onto a stage. Once you play a part for long enough couldn't it become real? I know that dissatisfaction with your life can really only be placed in your own lap. Own it and change it if you want to, but for God's sake stop complaining.
What could have been couldn't. Really. The "What If" game is crap. What we have is of our own making. We have etched the path we are on. Allowed others to etch beside us. We are affected by who we chose to be affected by. There are many who glide past us who we chose not to see, and others who are welcomed in and others who invade. Perhaps opening our eyes to those gliding past would have taken us in a different direction. But you know I am not sure if I believe that is true. To do that you would have had to be a different you. Different people would have come in and others still glide by.
The musical - and sometimes just a good ol' chick flick leaves me feeling like I am not doing enough. I try. At least I tell myself I do. I tell my family I love them. I still do things just to catch R*'s attention. (a lot like when we were first together) I wonder sometimes why I do that, is it insecurity? After 13 + years I should be well past that. Maybe it is just me trying to jump out of the comfort zone and remind him that we still have a life with each other to live outside of our house, jobs and children. But I wonder if he feels like he should still be trying to impress me. If not *damn it* how do I get him to try and impress me again. (at this point I would like to remind my handful of readers - Literally on one hand - that he does indeed read this, or at least I send it to him, and this is not me being passive aggressive and trying to get him into things without actually talking to him . . . I SWEAR HONEY it isn't. I just write what I'm thinking and you lucky sucks get to read it . . . if you chose)
I want passion in all aspects of my life. I want to inspire someone to be the best person they can be. I want to drive someone to distraction, I want to feel like I can do anything. Live, planned and unplanned adventures and to thrive, not just survive. Really in so many ways a truly apathetic word. Wouldn't you like to do more than just survive?
I Want That.
Love Be
They don't really even have to be good ones. If people are singing and dancing and happy at the end I'm hooked. In someways I think R* thinks this is a deficiency in me, because I am not more selective, critical. More like him. Meh. Then I wouldn't be me. I like things that make me happy and feel good. Enough things are happening that don't make me feel that way, so, to coin an overused phrase, "Sue Me".
However, after watching High School Musical 3, for the 3rd time. (and to clarify, no I do not think this is a "good" musical, but I still like it) I think that there is a downside to this love love love affair with musicals. I have constantly got the urge to sing in public, and desperately wish I could live in a musical. I want to have that kind of, gees I don't even know what the word is.
Why is it that as adults we have to abandon all that High School goodness. Again, please don't think for a second that I found High School to be full of High School Musical goodness. I did not. Sigh. But I wanted it, I wanted it. But now as a 35 year old woman, wife and mother of two . . . I still want it. There were desperate moments of LIFE in my past that I really do want to find again. When I did something because I wanted to see someone (Lord help me who who it may have been) more than anything. Get into my car at 11 pm drive for 2 hours to spend the night with someone and then get back into the car at 7 am to be back at class for 10am. Why don't 'grownup' people do that anymore. And moreover, why the couldn't I find someone who wanted to do that for me. (my fab R* did of course drive all 1600 km to see me for a weekend once) But where does that romantic urge go? Is it my fault? Have I managed to 'let myself go' to an extent that no one feels compelled to wake me up at 3 because they can't wait to tell me something. (thought I was going somewhere else didn't you) How is it that you inspire that kind of passion in your life? In your friends, lovers, children, in your family, but mostly, in yourself. It is true apathy reins supreme.
Aren't you sick of it. I think that is why so many theatre romances happen. Because, in that moment, it is so much better than anything real life has to offer. Well, perhaps I want to give it up. Pack up my family and move onto a stage. Once you play a part for long enough couldn't it become real? I know that dissatisfaction with your life can really only be placed in your own lap. Own it and change it if you want to, but for God's sake stop complaining.
What could have been couldn't. Really. The "What If" game is crap. What we have is of our own making. We have etched the path we are on. Allowed others to etch beside us. We are affected by who we chose to be affected by. There are many who glide past us who we chose not to see, and others who are welcomed in and others who invade. Perhaps opening our eyes to those gliding past would have taken us in a different direction. But you know I am not sure if I believe that is true. To do that you would have had to be a different you. Different people would have come in and others still glide by.
The musical - and sometimes just a good ol' chick flick leaves me feeling like I am not doing enough. I try. At least I tell myself I do. I tell my family I love them. I still do things just to catch R*'s attention. (a lot like when we were first together) I wonder sometimes why I do that, is it insecurity? After 13 + years I should be well past that. Maybe it is just me trying to jump out of the comfort zone and remind him that we still have a life with each other to live outside of our house, jobs and children. But I wonder if he feels like he should still be trying to impress me. If not *damn it* how do I get him to try and impress me again. (at this point I would like to remind my handful of readers - Literally on one hand - that he does indeed read this, or at least I send it to him, and this is not me being passive aggressive and trying to get him into things without actually talking to him . . . I SWEAR HONEY it isn't. I just write what I'm thinking and you lucky sucks get to read it . . . if you chose)
I want passion in all aspects of my life. I want to inspire someone to be the best person they can be. I want to drive someone to distraction, I want to feel like I can do anything. Live, planned and unplanned adventures and to thrive, not just survive. Really in so many ways a truly apathetic word. Wouldn't you like to do more than just survive?
I Want That.
Love Be
29. 05. 09
Peter Walsh
Can I de-clutter my life?
Can I de-clutter myself?
I have been going on about my authentic self for years. Recently I have uncovered an ugly truth about myself, I am not living the life I want to be living. That's fine, well, no it isn't. At least it isn't now that I recognize it to be truth. I have a few people in my life (and you know who you are) that I feel are living in truth. What I mean by that is not that they lead perfect lives or that they know everything. What I mean is that they listen to their heart, their stomach and live according to that truth. Their truth isn't the same as someone else's or in fact the same as anyone else's, it is unique to them. I am pretty sure that living in your own truth doesn't make you instantly happier. I am actually pretty certain that there are days these (very special) people wish that they could cocoon against their own truth. Perhaps it is true that they live part of their lives answering to the call of their heart and another part adamantly denying it. That is only a battle within themselves. What I see in these people is conviction. Dedication to what they believe and an unquenchable desire to do what it takes to make things happen to get them towards that goal.
I ignore my heart call all the time.
I choose what is easy instead of right.
I hate this about myself and need change.
Can I de-clutter my life?
Can I de-clutter myself?
I have been going on about my authentic self for years. Recently I have uncovered an ugly truth about myself, I am not living the life I want to be living. That's fine, well, no it isn't. At least it isn't now that I recognize it to be truth. I have a few people in my life (and you know who you are) that I feel are living in truth. What I mean by that is not that they lead perfect lives or that they know everything. What I mean is that they listen to their heart, their stomach and live according to that truth. Their truth isn't the same as someone else's or in fact the same as anyone else's, it is unique to them. I am pretty sure that living in your own truth doesn't make you instantly happier. I am actually pretty certain that there are days these (very special) people wish that they could cocoon against their own truth. Perhaps it is true that they live part of their lives answering to the call of their heart and another part adamantly denying it. That is only a battle within themselves. What I see in these people is conviction. Dedication to what they believe and an unquenchable desire to do what it takes to make things happen to get them towards that goal.
I ignore my heart call all the time.
I choose what is easy instead of right.
I hate this about myself and need change.
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