Füd for thought

My body is in revolt. Or I suppose it finds itself revolting. Hard to tell. Doesn't matter. The end result is the same, being that it is now complaining at a level I can not ignore and it reminding me without the aid of a reflective surface that my ignorance of my current physical situation can not continue. It's all good. I knew it would come to the end eventually. Heck I"ve brought the end into focus a few times with out my body yelling at me. But the ugly truth is . . . it is ugly. Fat is I mean. Interestingly enough in this moment this is completely a separate thought from how I feel about myself as a whole. As a whole person, I actually am generally quite fond of myself really. I guess that is healthy. My fat however, I am not fond of. In fact that is a such a huge understatement I can not even really begin to discover the right word to adequately describe my lack of fondness for my fat. Oh, and it is indeed mine. I own it, I put it there and sadly the magicians in the world have yet to come up with the 'undo' spell for that one. Well, truth be told, I guess that is only fair. "Do the crime, do the time." and all that.

You know, I just recently read a book. A truly terrible book. About a (self described) homely, fat girl who magically becomes her fantasy self over night. Yup, someone wrote THAT book. I mean anyone with a "weight issue" (in quotes because, well, everyone has one) a significant battle with the big F A T, has had this dream. One day you wake up and poof, you are thin. Only she got beautiful too. I hoped I was reading a book about someone who had been told she was fat and ugly and so believed that about herself till one day she woke up self aware and filled with the knowledge that she had the choice to think that way and believe that about herself, or not. It was not the case. It really was a 'poof' your "hot" (because we all know that means something different to different people - except mass media who seems to feel cookie cutter is best) kinda book. And guess what . . . she became super bitch. It took me till almost the last chapter to get on board with this girl at all. Way to feed the hot = bitch stereotype. I rarely meet a book I don't like but I nearly dropped it off at Goodwill without finishing it. Anyway, it got me thinking about that desire to 'poof' into your dream body. Maybe it's a struggle because you need that fight to find out who you are, or remain who you are through the process.

The truth is I don't know skinny, thin, trim or however you want to spin it. I don't know it. I was there once, but that was decades ago. I have been cultivating my fat family for about 26 years. I have seen pictures of me healthy and slim, but I don't remember it. I have a beautiful friend who recently got married. The morning of her wedding she and I went for a walk on the beach. I don't remember how it came about but we did end up talking about weight, hers and mine. Now, she is the thin to my fat. Best friends since we met at age 11, and still friends today though time and space has separated us. She is the type of woman who wore her jeans throughout her pregnancy (with little more than a button undone) and then wore them home after D* was born. What she said was this. Why is is incorrect to call someone fat, but it's okay to call someone skinny? As a fat person, I would say simply, that it was a place I wanted to be and was never said to be mean. I don't know that there is anyone out there who wants to be fat. People tend to call others fat because they know it is hurtful. I think calling someone skinny comes from a different place, from jealousy. That being said, I will think twice before I mention anyone's weight for better or worse (Can you imagine!) again. I thank her for reminding me that there are other crosses to bear. She said that at her current weight she finally feels good on her body, she has curves etc. but that the extra weight (I believe she is about 110 now. NB: 19.11.09 she was actually 125 she tells me) has not gone unnoticed, or without comment on. Pathetic bunch we are that when women who has been slightly underweight gets to a good weight we feel the need to comment on her getting pudgy. UNBELIEVEABLE! I saw her in her skivvies before her wedding dress went on that day. A body that most of us would do stupid things to get. Stupid. I just want to say for the record, N* you are stunning, and an amazing women.

The other thing she said to me was this. "But it doesn't matter how heavy you are. You carry yourself so confidently I hardly even see it." (or something like that) Hmmm. I don't know what to say. I'm glad that fat is not what she sees, but you know she has also known me for 25 years, so I'm guessing the inside me is what she sees first. I don't know that someone meeting me for the first time would say the same. Maybe they would. I have another girlfriend, whose wedding party I was in last week. I am 'twice' the woman that the other bridesmaids are. Mostly though I didn't notice. I promised myself that I would not 'wallflower it' because I am the big girl. I had a great time. At the rehearsal dinner she gave us gifts and a card. That card will be kept forever as one of most prized possessions. My new goal is not about being thin. It is about getting to a place where I can see myself as J* (and N*) see me. Because if I can do that. I am truly successful.

Love Be


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