In Time

*R - don't read this unless you are in a good place.

I don't want to be here.

Writing. I am sacred of what will come out. I don't have much left. I am not sure how to pull myself back together after what has happened. The death of a parent, even though she was my in law. How do you recover from that? At this stage anyway. I mean I know it is an event that has always been on the books. Our parents will die. But not now. Not now. We weren't ready. I know I wasn't and I am sure her kids weren't. Her husband certainly expected her to live in his forever. So yes. our parents will go (if they are lucky) in our lifetime. But not at 62. Not without being able to say goodbye to us. Not without watching her grandkids be born, grow, flourish. Not without watching her daughter get married. It was just not time.

DAMN IT!

I wasn't finished with her yet. We were not finished with her yet. 14 months. It just wasn't enough.

Joyce:
You have been my best friend for the past four years. I love you so deeply that I could never find the right words to express it to you. You helped me parent my children and I want you to know how much I cherished your involvement with them. They will be better people for having had the chance to be with you, live with you, be loved by you. How I parent has been molded by you, as well as my own parents. You opened your home to me and allowed me to grow there. You welcomed me in to your family with out judgment or question. You let me gripe when things felt tough. You kept me company when I otherwise would have been alone. You gave me strength. You are, for the better, one of the voices in my head and I will always be grateful for that voice of reason in the sea of my emotion.
Your presence in our lives will continue long after you are no longer here. Your voice in my ear and echoed in my own voice. A phrase from Mira, letting us know you have been on her mind. A look from Arleigh or Rob that reads as clearly as if you were in the room. You are already missed. You are forever loved.
Love through tears.
Beki