I know, I know, it's an unlikely combination but I'm all about unusual.
So, I'm listening to Jann Arden, picking her best slow ruminating kinda stuff. She is amazing. One of my big regrets in life is that I blew a chance to go to her concert and meet her. She came to Mt A. when I was in, mmm, probably 3rd or 4th year, and I didn't try. I loved her then, but had no idea what kind of impact her music would have on me and my life. I write 'with' her often. I don't fan follow her, I find that kind of stuff awkward. But she is one of the few I would be excited to meet. Anyway, it there is music you like to listen to to be inspired, or to snuggle in with I would love to know.
a. n. y. w. a. y.
So, the apology to men part. This is really to my husband, I have been thinking about this for awhile. Trying to evaluate and re-evaluate my opinion on men and their emotional breadth and depth. I've had a little help from KX96 (95.9 FM). Country singing men often sing about their loves. I have come to some pretty startling realizations. I've been short changing them. Big time.
I'll admit I've been struggling with confidence in myself, and the security of my relationship since R* returned from a trip about 20 months ago. I hate being in this place and one of the stupidest part about it all is that he didn't do a damned thing. None of this scenario was his fault, and in fact he did what I have been told many would not have done (regardless of gender). I know I am being cryptic, and I am sorry, but I am trying to stay true to my purpose for this blog while respecting him and his privacy. A tricky balance which I am certain I do not always find. {insert apology one here}. The other stupid thing is that I've lived in this feeling (to a greater degree) before. It feels like a life time ago, at the start of R* and I. I think this makes me a little less loveable too, grumpy and more demanding. Ugh, I really don't like that girl, erm, woman.
What I am saying is this: He did nothing, I feel like things are slipping, and it's all in my own head . . . again. It all come to a point on Friday morning, he'd had late night Thursday, and I was playing that . . . wish I didn't know these words . . . "What if" game. When I left on Friday morning I pretty much growled in his ear, 'If you ever leave me I'll kill you." What I didn't expect was the mostly asleep, growl back, echoing my words. Now I may not know a lot of things, but one thing I am confident about if my husbands brain functioning level while mostly asleep. Not smooth and calculated, not fake or suave. Real, honest, tired and true. It has been a long time since I needed to hear something like that but maybe, maybe for the first time, I heard what he said.
"I love you"
then I think, I drive M* to school and L* to daycare, and I think, and I hear
"It's you and me, us, together, our life. . .all I want is here"
"I love you"
"I love you"
he loves me
I know he loves me, but he L. O. V. E.S me.
The stuff I project on him. It's not his, it's mine. It's me. I know we've been here before.
I honestly realized that I thought it was a given that we were temporary. Long term, but not forever. That he would at some point fall out of what he had fallen into. Not just him, all men. I just believed that men didn't commit the same way I do. I am saying I because I know this is such an awful and ridiculous realization that I don't want to generalize about both genders at the same time. Plus we all know that outside the land of Beki, women and man are equally capable of douchery and of commitment. Women do not have the market cornered on being the better partner. I know too many really amazing and committed husbands who were fucked over by their wives, or are pulling the lions share, while their partner loses themselves in a bottle etc etc etc.I have never given them enough credit. {insert apology two here}
"I Would Die For You" is playing right now.
So what I have learned this week after 15 1/2 years together it this. He is in. All in. If he is, then others can be too. and probably are. Now the down side of all this learning is that I will now be expecting more. Flowers, effort, time, tenderness. The showing side of the love not just the loving part of it, the demonstrative side, not just the 'bringing home the bacon'
So, I am sorry, to all men, but most specially, my husband.
He is my world, he is much of the reason I am who I am and definitely my missing piece.
I am sorry that I didn't think you could feel the same way about me.
I can finally accept that the reality is . . .
"I love you the same."
I could not ask for anything better. So thanks for threatening to kill me. It's the most romantic thing you've said to me since 'I Do."
I Am Sorry.
Love Be
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