It's easier to stay the way you are than to change.
Somehow though, if when you look in the mirror and you don't know who you are seeing, if the face looking out at you bears little resemblance to who you expected to see - easy isn't so easy to swallow.
This is where I find myself most days. Staring into a face that holds little of what I remember it being. Granted sometimes this is a happy thing. If you imagined yourself a crack whore for example and looked in the mirror one day and realized an accountant was staring back at you - you just might be a-okay with that discovery. Unfortunately in my case I am not being wowed by improvements on what I thought my potential was. I'm not living in better skin.
I am willing to concede (with ease and delight) That I have a better husband, albeit very different, than I ever imagined. And to my fascination, my kids are incredible little beings. With my family I am truly blessed and forever grateful.
It isn't my external life really that is the problem. I have no target for my frustration. I have held onto those "causative" excuses for far too long. It is time to move forward. To "pilot my own ship". Interestingly though I think I may need to go back through the storm with this 'adult' head and make some sense of it.
It occurred to me tonight that my life would be very different if I just stood still. Stopped running. I am positive that D-n-D's worst was much tamer than my imagination. I am sure they counted on that. What would you do if you were a stupid mean boy and you were chasing a little girl with sticks, and she just simply stopped running away from you? Novel idea - at least to me. And then I thought, "I'm still doing it" I am flabbergasted (ohh I do like typing that word flabbergasted, flabbergasted, flabbergasted - wheeeee) A n y w a y , I am flabbergasted with myself. The idea of this completely struck me. I am still running for my life, when standing still, well it would just about change everything.
M* comments about everything, I am pretty sure most children her age (4) do. She tells me that she got mud on her sock, that she forgot something at daycare, that her friend was 'naughty'. I often respond with, "well, is that going to be the end of the world?" To date the answer has always been "no", and rightly so. I did not have this insight as a child. I don't know if I thought past don't let them catch me, to what would they do? I don't remember. I think it would would have taken all the fun (odd sense of fun) out of it for them.
So.
Easy, isn't.
and
Stand still.
My new lessons for today.
Be
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