EASY

It's easier to stay the way you are than to change.

Somehow though, if when you look in the mirror and you don't know who you are seeing, if the face looking out at you bears little resemblance to who you expected to see - easy isn't so easy to swallow.

This is where I find myself most days. Staring into a face that holds little of what I remember it being. Granted sometimes this is a happy thing. If you imagined yourself a crack whore for example and looked in the mirror one day and realized an accountant was staring back at you - you just might be a-okay with that discovery. Unfortunately in my case I am not being wowed by improvements on what I thought my potential was. I'm not living in better skin.

I am willing to concede (with ease and delight) That I have a better husband, albeit very different, than I ever imagined. And to my fascination, my kids are incredible little beings. With my family I am truly blessed and forever grateful.

It isn't my external life really that is the problem. I have no target for my frustration. I have held onto those "causative" excuses for far too long. It is time to move forward. To "pilot my own ship". Interestingly though I think I may need to go back through the storm with this 'adult' head and make some sense of it.

It occurred to me tonight that my life would be very different if I just stood still. Stopped running. I am positive that D-n-D's worst was much tamer than my imagination. I am sure they counted on that. What would you do if you were a stupid mean boy and you were chasing a little girl with sticks, and she just simply stopped running away from you? Novel idea - at least to me. And then I thought, "I'm still doing it" I am flabbergasted (ohh I do like typing that word flabbergasted, flabbergasted, flabbergasted - wheeeee) A n y w a y , I am flabbergasted with myself. The idea of this completely struck me. I am still running for my life, when standing still, well it would just about change everything.

M* comments about everything, I am pretty sure most children her age (4) do. She tells me that she got mud on her sock, that she forgot something at daycare, that her friend was 'naughty'. I often respond with, "well, is that going to be the end of the world?" To date the answer has always been "no", and rightly so. I did not have this insight as a child. I don't know if I thought past don't let them catch me, to what would they do? I don't remember. I think it would would have taken all the fun (odd sense of fun) out of it for them.

So.

Easy, isn't.
and
Stand still.

My new lessons for today.

Be

WHY हेल्लो\

Someone on one of the forums I visit asked me why I was there. Here is wha,t I said.

*******

Mmmm why I'm here.

You know, I am drawn to Post Secret. Friends introduced me over a year ago and I love it. I am astounded at how raw some of them can be, and how simple others are. I am amazed at what the 'world' has done to each of us that forces us to encapsulate these truths. The shame the ridiculous shame we carry because of a fear of torment form someone else.

It breaks me sometimes, that fear. Being tormented by someone else just for being who I am. I've been through it and I believe I have come out the other side as unscathed as is possible.

There is also comfort in these pages, in these secrets. There are times, when emotion has the upper hand, that you feel alone in your own personal torment. PS is an easy way to reconnect to myself and remember that in many ways I am not so unique. And in those moments I am grateful.

I have strong views - strong feelings about who is really dictating the trips to the edge of my abyss and I am certain that I am not alone in that particular level of self abuse / sabotage. Here it just seems to well help keep me a bit more planted in the realness of life and remind me that head up is a much better place to be.

Does that answer your question?

And - why are you here?

Beki