Daylight

Hey there sports fans.

A novel experience, but errands are done and I am at work waiting for my client to come. Yes, indeedy it is daytime. Bizarre I know. I wonder if my ramblings will take on a different tone in the daylight hours.

I am thinking I need a plan. My life is lacking one right now and I feel adrift - slightly. I mean how adrift can you really feel when you are so firmly attached to a husband, 2 children, a cat, a house, 2 cars and 2 businesses. Wow, okay not adrift at all. Firmly and concretely attached. So yeah, I could continue on the way I am. Day to day is kinda defined by kids, home and work stuff.

(oh crap I forgot to take the stuff out of the washer - R* would you do that please? Just hang up your coat and liner, and anything that belongs to me, and stick the rest in the dryer. - if you even read this)

do de do, do de do.
Back to, well I was gonna say reality, but in my world laundry is very real. So on with the show.

R* is not so much the advanced planner - or at least he claims he isn't which I find incredibly funny coming from a man who plans things for a living. I on the other hand am a planner. If I could sit down and map out the events of the year on January first I'd do it. Not to say I'm not flexible, I understand that things can change. However, to have the basics roughed in. I'd LOVE that. I'd like to have things pre-planned. Leave room for spontaneous things too - I do enjoy just up and going somewhere.

For example. I'd like to map out the things we want to do with the house. When we want them to happen and then (hold onto your seats) how we are going to do them. Mostly because with a schedule I know what I need to do and by when, and also then I know I'm not nagging when I ask R* if we are still going ahead with X Y and Z. Scheduling is so hard in our household. R* and I work such random schedules. Maybe that's why I crave it so much in the rest of our lives. Work is random, kids are *very* random, I need some un-random (non-random? randomlessness? antirandom? ah, structure)
Yesterday I spent this amazing day with my kids and girlfriend H* creating a garden in the front yard. I wanted to do it, but I wondered as the day went on if there might be things I should be doing instead. Other 'more important' things. It's so weird, because I know all this stuff is to be done, I am just having a hard time deciding what is a need to do, aka priority, and a want to do, aka would be nice but not necessary. I thought to myself. "Is this dumb because we are going to have to sand and paint the front of the house, which now means standing in our garden. Maybe If I know where that job was on the schedule that I might have had the patience to wait. In my head we won't get to the painting of the outside of the house till next year, with maybe the exceptions of the doors. But maybe R* (sorry for starting a sentence with but. I hear it is acceptable now days, however, I still cringe when I do it.) has different ideas.

Okay *R you and me a calendar and markers. We've got to sketch this stuff out.

And I need to do laundry on the same day. At least come up with an idea for suppers for the week on Sundays (grocery's are Monday) as well as the other 'running of house' things.

Do de do de dooooo!

Don't panic. This OCD moment has been brought to you by the letters . . . um, O and um, C and yeah, D and by the number 1000 (as in things we still need to do)

There is an image of my family and my life in my head, chaos does not rein supreme. I know we can get there. I know it!

Love
Be

EASY

It's easier to stay the way you are than to change.

Somehow though, if when you look in the mirror and you don't know who you are seeing, if the face looking out at you bears little resemblance to who you expected to see - easy isn't so easy to swallow.

This is where I find myself most days. Staring into a face that holds little of what I remember it being. Granted sometimes this is a happy thing. If you imagined yourself a crack whore for example and looked in the mirror one day and realized an accountant was staring back at you - you just might be a-okay with that discovery. Unfortunately in my case I am not being wowed by improvements on what I thought my potential was. I'm not living in better skin.

I am willing to concede (with ease and delight) That I have a better husband, albeit very different, than I ever imagined. And to my fascination, my kids are incredible little beings. With my family I am truly blessed and forever grateful.

It isn't my external life really that is the problem. I have no target for my frustration. I have held onto those "causative" excuses for far too long. It is time to move forward. To "pilot my own ship". Interestingly though I think I may need to go back through the storm with this 'adult' head and make some sense of it.

It occurred to me tonight that my life would be very different if I just stood still. Stopped running. I am positive that D-n-D's worst was much tamer than my imagination. I am sure they counted on that. What would you do if you were a stupid mean boy and you were chasing a little girl with sticks, and she just simply stopped running away from you? Novel idea - at least to me. And then I thought, "I'm still doing it" I am flabbergasted (ohh I do like typing that word flabbergasted, flabbergasted, flabbergasted - wheeeee) A n y w a y , I am flabbergasted with myself. The idea of this completely struck me. I am still running for my life, when standing still, well it would just about change everything.

M* comments about everything, I am pretty sure most children her age (4) do. She tells me that she got mud on her sock, that she forgot something at daycare, that her friend was 'naughty'. I often respond with, "well, is that going to be the end of the world?" To date the answer has always been "no", and rightly so. I did not have this insight as a child. I don't know if I thought past don't let them catch me, to what would they do? I don't remember. I think it would would have taken all the fun (odd sense of fun) out of it for them.

So.

Easy, isn't.
and
Stand still.

My new lessons for today.

Be

WHY हेल्लो\

Someone on one of the forums I visit asked me why I was there. Here is wha,t I said.

*******

Mmmm why I'm here.

You know, I am drawn to Post Secret. Friends introduced me over a year ago and I love it. I am astounded at how raw some of them can be, and how simple others are. I am amazed at what the 'world' has done to each of us that forces us to encapsulate these truths. The shame the ridiculous shame we carry because of a fear of torment form someone else.

It breaks me sometimes, that fear. Being tormented by someone else just for being who I am. I've been through it and I believe I have come out the other side as unscathed as is possible.

There is also comfort in these pages, in these secrets. There are times, when emotion has the upper hand, that you feel alone in your own personal torment. PS is an easy way to reconnect to myself and remember that in many ways I am not so unique. And in those moments I am grateful.

I have strong views - strong feelings about who is really dictating the trips to the edge of my abyss and I am certain that I am not alone in that particular level of self abuse / sabotage. Here it just seems to well help keep me a bit more planted in the realness of life and remind me that head up is a much better place to be.

Does that answer your question?

And - why are you here?

Beki