Keeping the measurements all in one place for 2011.
Jan/11
Neck: 15 1/8
L arm: 15
R arm: 14 1/2
Over bust: 50
Under bust: 41 1/2
Spare tire: 53
Belly button: 52 3/8
Hips / butt: 54 1/8
L leg: 30
R leg: 30
Feb/11
Neck: 14 7/8
L arm: 14 3/8
R arm: 14 1/2
Over bust: 49 3/4
Under bust: 41
Spare tire: 53
Belly button: 52 1/4
Hips / butt: 53 3/4
L leg: 29 2/4
R leg: 29 1/2
March/11
Neck: 14 7/8
L arm: 14 3/8
R arm: 14 1/2
Over bust: 49 1/2
Under bust: 40 1/2
Spare tire: 52
Belly button: 51 1/2
Hips / butt: 53
L leg: 29 1/2
R leg: 29 1/4
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Walking Without Crutches
I was going to write yesterday but instead I spent an hour mucking about with the design of my page. Any comments?
So onto the topic for last night. Crutches = Spanks! If you don't know what I mean then check out the last episode of Hot in Cleveland "Sisterhood of the Traveling Spanks"
I have pretty much worn one of these 'shapers' everyday for the last 2 years. They are hot in the summer, but cosy in the winter. I'll be honest though, makes things a little more, um, sweaty. Now I am the first to admit they didn't make me look good - in that Hollywood sense of the word anyway. They just made me look, honestly I think a little pregnant. Made all the rolls converge into one roll reminiscent of me at 6 months pregnant. Nonetheless I relied on this little stretchy piece of hell to give me more confidence. They were a real crutch for me. So I have given them up. Oh, I'll pull them out and wrestle them on for the rare dress up day, but the everyday spanks are no more. It has been an amazing transition for me. Nobody looks at me differently, no body points and laughs. Nobody, as it turns out, cares. Shocker!
Moving onto my second crutch. Come on now, they usually travel in pairs. Crutch = SUGAR. Yeah Baby! I new I snuck sweet treats, and I knew that I was an emotional eater, but I was never really aware of what emotion drove me to what food. Turns out loneliness turns me towards sugar. Or, not to give him a big head or anything, but Rob being gone. It really hit home while Rob was away and I was on the cleanse. NO sugar and I nearly bashed my brains in. I'm not surprised, except I'd been off the stuff for like 2 weeks when he left and I went right back to the cravings. Staring at the fridge and begging myself to just walk away and not touch the candy bag. I won, that day anyway.
Turns out I need to live in cleanse mode when he is away. I am taking great strides forward rediscovering my motivation and getting into a relationship with me. And big steps backwards eating later and later at night and choosing sweeter treats again. I'm getting my wheeze on. So very thick in the head, literally and figuratively.
So getting my groove on and back on track is the order of the day. And the good news is that I have noticed a real sense of hunger and of having enough. Nice to eat till enough rather than so bloated and stuffed I wanna stick my finger down my throat. (Not to worry R* just a feeling not an action - won't be revisiting that little gem of time) Back into the swing. I have moved way too far forward to slide back now. Getting acquainted with myself since I have been denying this is really me for more than a decade and so didn't really invest in getting to know me. Can't imagine why anyone else invested time with me when I wasn't, but I will say a great big thank you to those who have. You are truly amazing and you probably know me better than I do.
So I am walking in this world without the aid of those crutches. I can't say I'm always gonna be happy about it, but I'm doing it. I am getting rid of the wheezy sneezy that I turn into when I have sugar. Bye bye cane sugar. It's been crap, but tasty knowing you. I will ,however, be much much better off without you in my life.
I have no idea how well this is gonna go, but I am totally worth it.
Love you
Be
So onto the topic for last night. Crutches = Spanks! If you don't know what I mean then check out the last episode of Hot in Cleveland "Sisterhood of the Traveling Spanks"
I have pretty much worn one of these 'shapers' everyday for the last 2 years. They are hot in the summer, but cosy in the winter. I'll be honest though, makes things a little more, um, sweaty. Now I am the first to admit they didn't make me look good - in that Hollywood sense of the word anyway. They just made me look, honestly I think a little pregnant. Made all the rolls converge into one roll reminiscent of me at 6 months pregnant. Nonetheless I relied on this little stretchy piece of hell to give me more confidence. They were a real crutch for me. So I have given them up. Oh, I'll pull them out and wrestle them on for the rare dress up day, but the everyday spanks are no more. It has been an amazing transition for me. Nobody looks at me differently, no body points and laughs. Nobody, as it turns out, cares. Shocker!
Moving onto my second crutch. Come on now, they usually travel in pairs. Crutch = SUGAR. Yeah Baby! I new I snuck sweet treats, and I knew that I was an emotional eater, but I was never really aware of what emotion drove me to what food. Turns out loneliness turns me towards sugar. Or, not to give him a big head or anything, but Rob being gone. It really hit home while Rob was away and I was on the cleanse. NO sugar and I nearly bashed my brains in. I'm not surprised, except I'd been off the stuff for like 2 weeks when he left and I went right back to the cravings. Staring at the fridge and begging myself to just walk away and not touch the candy bag. I won, that day anyway.
Turns out I need to live in cleanse mode when he is away. I am taking great strides forward rediscovering my motivation and getting into a relationship with me. And big steps backwards eating later and later at night and choosing sweeter treats again. I'm getting my wheeze on. So very thick in the head, literally and figuratively.
So getting my groove on and back on track is the order of the day. And the good news is that I have noticed a real sense of hunger and of having enough. Nice to eat till enough rather than so bloated and stuffed I wanna stick my finger down my throat. (Not to worry R* just a feeling not an action - won't be revisiting that little gem of time) Back into the swing. I have moved way too far forward to slide back now. Getting acquainted with myself since I have been denying this is really me for more than a decade and so didn't really invest in getting to know me. Can't imagine why anyone else invested time with me when I wasn't, but I will say a great big thank you to those who have. You are truly amazing and you probably know me better than I do.
So I am walking in this world without the aid of those crutches. I can't say I'm always gonna be happy about it, but I'm doing it. I am getting rid of the wheezy sneezy that I turn into when I have sugar. Bye bye cane sugar. It's been crap, but tasty knowing you. I will ,however, be much much better off without you in my life.
I have no idea how well this is gonna go, but I am totally worth it.
Love you
Be
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Search
I have spent the better part of 20 years "looking for myself". I know, you know what I mean. The proverbial, "My life has been a raw deal and I have stuffed myself (Literally) and my feelings away and so now at age __ I don't know who I am. I need to lose weight / quit drinking / sleeping around etc. in order to 'find' myself and be my authentic self." story.
I have written and written and written. I have danced about and talked and talked. I have repeated and repeated the woe is me story. Fuck it!
There is a damned good chance that that is all posturing. I'm not saying that shit hasn't happened. It has. But after 30 years, and 20 years of wallowing in it and moaning about how damaged I am, I am done. So done.
I was reading some stuff that I wrote in the last decade. I have announced a major life change at least once a year since I was old enough to have an idea about what that meant. I was so bored with myself and so irritated over reading the same drivel over and over. I felt a little like Sue with the 'Sue'clear Weapon on Glee. always looking for the bigger and better prize.
Truth is, I have enough.
Truth is, I am not the walking wounded.
Truth is, I am more than the jerks offs who used me.
Truth is, I am generally great.
I'm not sure why and what triggers a trip down the wallowing way but God Help Me I am sick of me.
I wrote a little to R* tonight. We have journals from near the beginning of our relationships, which we write to each other in. And this is what come out today.
I am not angry anymore, at least not at anyone else but me. I am not scared of facing myself anymore. I am not even looking for myself. I am right here and probably have been the whole time. The only way there is someone else waiting to get out of me is if I ate them. I am fully formed and no longer in search of a person who is right here.
Perhaps if I stopped selling myself short and looked at where I was and what I was doing with my life I'd wake up and see I'm already in control of a pretty big ship. Me.
I win.
Love
Be
I have written and written and written. I have danced about and talked and talked. I have repeated and repeated the woe is me story. Fuck it!
There is a damned good chance that that is all posturing. I'm not saying that shit hasn't happened. It has. But after 30 years, and 20 years of wallowing in it and moaning about how damaged I am, I am done. So done.
I was reading some stuff that I wrote in the last decade. I have announced a major life change at least once a year since I was old enough to have an idea about what that meant. I was so bored with myself and so irritated over reading the same drivel over and over. I felt a little like Sue with the 'Sue'clear Weapon on Glee. always looking for the bigger and better prize.
Truth is, I have enough.
Truth is, I am not the walking wounded.
Truth is, I am more than the jerks offs who used me.
Truth is, I am generally great.
I'm not sure why and what triggers a trip down the wallowing way but God Help Me I am sick of me.
I wrote a little to R* tonight. We have journals from near the beginning of our relationships, which we write to each other in. And this is what come out today.
I am not angry anymore, at least not at anyone else but me. I am not scared of facing myself anymore. I am not even looking for myself. I am right here and probably have been the whole time. The only way there is someone else waiting to get out of me is if I ate them. I am fully formed and no longer in search of a person who is right here.
Perhaps if I stopped selling myself short and looked at where I was and what I was doing with my life I'd wake up and see I'm already in control of a pretty big ship. Me.
I win.
Love
Be
Saturday, February 5, 2011
How she grows . . . so to speak
Keeping the measurements all in one place for 2011.
Jan/11
Neck: 15 1/8
L arm: 15
R arm: 14 1/2
Over bust: 50
Under bust: 41 1/2
Spare tire: 53
Belly button: 52 3/8
Hips / butt: 54 1/8
L leg: 30
R leg: 30
Feb/11
Neck: 14 7/8
L arm: 14 3/8
R arm: 14 1/2
Over bust: 48 3/4
Under bust: 41
Spare tire: 53
Belly button: 52 1/4
Hips / butt: 53 3/4
L leg: 29 1/4
R leg: 29 1/2
It's 2013 now and you would think I had a handle on all of this by now but I don't
I have however lost enough weight to drop 4 sizes (22 - 16) and thought I should update these measurements.
Neck: 14 5/8
L arm: 14 1/4
R arm: 14 1/4
Over bust: 47 1/2
Under bust: 40 7/8
Spare tire: 50 7/8
Belly button: 50
Belly: 53 1/2
Hips / butt: 50
L leg: 29
R leg: 28 1/2
Weight: 254 - according to my ancient scale.
Jan/11
Neck: 15 1/8
L arm: 15
R arm: 14 1/2
Over bust: 50
Under bust: 41 1/2
Spare tire: 53
Belly button: 52 3/8
Hips / butt: 54 1/8
L leg: 30
R leg: 30
Feb/11
Neck: 14 7/8
L arm: 14 3/8
R arm: 14 1/2
Over bust: 48 3/4
Under bust: 41
Spare tire: 53
Belly button: 52 1/4
Hips / butt: 53 3/4
L leg: 29 1/4
R leg: 29 1/2
It's 2013 now and you would think I had a handle on all of this by now but I don't
I have however lost enough weight to drop 4 sizes (22 - 16) and thought I should update these measurements.
Neck: 14 5/8
L arm: 14 1/4
R arm: 14 1/4
Over bust: 47 1/2
Under bust: 40 7/8
Spare tire: 50 7/8
Belly button: 50
Belly: 53 1/2
Hips / butt: 50
L leg: 29
R leg: 28 1/2
Weight: 254 - according to my ancient scale.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I should have said a lot of things.
I'm 37.
Some of you know that.
I drive a 1997 Accord.
Some of you know that too.
Today I had a job interview at Goodlife Fitness.
I was thinking about some questions the interviewer, J might ask me.
"What is your attitude towards your body?"
What is my attitude towards my body? My car is a 97 sedan. Good trunk space, good engine, body looks like ass. Tracy, has had a few inner working malfunctions, and I have repaired those, to keep her in working order. She is dinged and dented and scraped to heck. Not all my doing but that is the truth that is Tracy (My car). So I don't really care if someone opens their door too hard into mine, or if some brushes hard against my bumper and scrapes off the paint. It doesn't bother me if I get a dent or if Rob bumps me when he is backing into the parking spot. She is already cosmetically challenged, so I don't care.
*I know, you know where I am going with this*
Today as I was thinking about that question I realized that I have been treating myself exactly the same way. The inner parts function well. Maybe not 100% but I still get around and can do most of what I think I should be able to do. But on the outside, there is damage. Some of it is not my fault, some is an outer reflection of what damage has been done internally and I have done my best to repaired that damage so that I can stay in working order. The rest, well, I just haven't cared. People and life have left their marks and scrapes on me and I have done nothing to protect or repair myself. I have given up on the external gear. I treat myself like I am my car.
Occasionally, I do a spurt of management and attempt to repair. Sometimes I do paint touch ups (on me and Tracy) these are, at best bandages, and they eventually fall away. Instead of working on sprucing up the exterior, I mean REALLY working on it, I spend my time trying really hard to gain approval from people. Talking too much in order to make up in some way for my physical deficiencies. I reveal too much, too quickly. (except here of course where it is all about you) I am forever trying to feel like enough. To everyone.
e v e r y o n e
Now please, I know my friends, do not feel that this is when you need to write to tell me I am wonderful. I'll sign autographs later. This is just, well it just is. It is my issue and I am not putting out there because I need to be stroked. If you want to commiserate be my guest, but since I think I know all my readers I am here to tell you you ARE wonderful.
I'm not sure where the feelings of inadequacy began. I'm sure that will come to me in my dreams tonight. (Why am I always so much more insightful in my dreams?) I spent my childhood trying to be perfect, and falling short. Imagine that! Perhaps that had something to do with it, I dunno. This feeling of not being enough, it hasn't been put on me by others. I have picked it up and put it on myself.
For example my Husband - It's odd. I mean I spend a lot of effort trying to woo (yes I said woo) my husband. My partner for almost 15 years. Still, everyday I try to impress him. Because? I feel like I may not be everything he needs me to be (insert pinup girl image here) and I am desperate to prove myself to him. He's never asked me to be more than I am, but . . .
but . . .
Cooking. I cook to try and win peoples approval. My friends, by the way, are not this shallow. They would come even if I didn't have a scrap of food in the house. I know this about them and yet . . .
yet . . .
I love the people in my life. I am blessed to have such amazing friends. I don't do things to impress people so they think I am amazing. I just want to be enough.
But I've been running on empty. I feel like I can never catch up to what never was, and honestly, what probably never needed to be. Not like someone else hung this around my neck. I carry it. I can put it down, or at least I think I can. I've spent a lot of time thinking about why I feel I am not living up to my potential. I think it might be because I spend a great deal of time trying to live up to someone elses. I'm putting it down. I have too. If I continue I am going to end up more of a stranger to myself than I already am. So when I began this cleanse 22 days ago, I thought I would do it for a year. To REALLY take care of myself, and let everyones opinion of me slide a little, and if it does, let that go.
SO:
I am not doing this to impress you. I am doing it to impress me. I am not doing this so you think I am strong. I am doing this to be strong. I am not doing this because I don't want you to know I am a work in progress. I am doing this because I know I am. I am not doing this because I want you to love me more. I am doing this because I want to love me.
And one last thing.
Just so you know.
You are enough.
You always have been.
You always will be.
And, I love you.
Love Be
Some of you know that.
I drive a 1997 Accord.
Some of you know that too.
Today I had a job interview at Goodlife Fitness.
I was thinking about some questions the interviewer, J might ask me.
"What is your attitude towards your body?"
What is my attitude towards my body? My car is a 97 sedan. Good trunk space, good engine, body looks like ass. Tracy, has had a few inner working malfunctions, and I have repaired those, to keep her in working order. She is dinged and dented and scraped to heck. Not all my doing but that is the truth that is Tracy (My car). So I don't really care if someone opens their door too hard into mine, or if some brushes hard against my bumper and scrapes off the paint. It doesn't bother me if I get a dent or if Rob bumps me when he is backing into the parking spot. She is already cosmetically challenged, so I don't care.
*I know, you know where I am going with this*
Today as I was thinking about that question I realized that I have been treating myself exactly the same way. The inner parts function well. Maybe not 100% but I still get around and can do most of what I think I should be able to do. But on the outside, there is damage. Some of it is not my fault, some is an outer reflection of what damage has been done internally and I have done my best to repaired that damage so that I can stay in working order. The rest, well, I just haven't cared. People and life have left their marks and scrapes on me and I have done nothing to protect or repair myself. I have given up on the external gear. I treat myself like I am my car.
Occasionally, I do a spurt of management and attempt to repair. Sometimes I do paint touch ups (on me and Tracy) these are, at best bandages, and they eventually fall away. Instead of working on sprucing up the exterior, I mean REALLY working on it, I spend my time trying really hard to gain approval from people. Talking too much in order to make up in some way for my physical deficiencies. I reveal too much, too quickly. (except here of course where it is all about you) I am forever trying to feel like enough. To everyone.
e v e r y o n e
Now please, I know my friends, do not feel that this is when you need to write to tell me I am wonderful. I'll sign autographs later. This is just, well it just is. It is my issue and I am not putting out there because I need to be stroked. If you want to commiserate be my guest, but since I think I know all my readers I am here to tell you you ARE wonderful.
I'm not sure where the feelings of inadequacy began. I'm sure that will come to me in my dreams tonight. (Why am I always so much more insightful in my dreams?) I spent my childhood trying to be perfect, and falling short. Imagine that! Perhaps that had something to do with it, I dunno. This feeling of not being enough, it hasn't been put on me by others. I have picked it up and put it on myself.
For example my Husband - It's odd. I mean I spend a lot of effort trying to woo (yes I said woo) my husband. My partner for almost 15 years. Still, everyday I try to impress him. Because? I feel like I may not be everything he needs me to be (insert pinup girl image here) and I am desperate to prove myself to him. He's never asked me to be more than I am, but . . .
but . . .
Cooking. I cook to try and win peoples approval. My friends, by the way, are not this shallow. They would come even if I didn't have a scrap of food in the house. I know this about them and yet . . .
yet . . .
I love the people in my life. I am blessed to have such amazing friends. I don't do things to impress people so they think I am amazing. I just want to be enough.
But I've been running on empty. I feel like I can never catch up to what never was, and honestly, what probably never needed to be. Not like someone else hung this around my neck. I carry it. I can put it down, or at least I think I can. I've spent a lot of time thinking about why I feel I am not living up to my potential. I think it might be because I spend a great deal of time trying to live up to someone elses. I'm putting it down. I have too. If I continue I am going to end up more of a stranger to myself than I already am. So when I began this cleanse 22 days ago, I thought I would do it for a year. To REALLY take care of myself, and let everyones opinion of me slide a little, and if it does, let that go.
SO:
I am not doing this to impress you. I am doing it to impress me. I am not doing this so you think I am strong. I am doing this to be strong. I am not doing this because I don't want you to know I am a work in progress. I am doing this because I know I am. I am not doing this because I want you to love me more. I am doing this because I want to love me.
And one last thing.
Just so you know.
You are enough.
You always have been.
You always will be.
And, I love you.
Love Be
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