Here is the first draft of the actual letter. Comments please.
Richview Council,
I am writing to you because I would like to begin the Discernment process as an Inquirer. I have been connected to the church most of my life. My Dad is a minister and when he remarried, he married a minster. My Mum is very active in her church and choir as well. So it could be said that I come by it honestly. I have been attending Richview since just after my daughter's birth in 2005 and almost immediately felt a sense of belonging there.
When I was faced with making a decision about what to do with my life in my early 20's I felt a pull towards the church. At the time I felt I wasn't really and so chose the less challenging path and became a Massage Therapist. While I do not regret this decision, the draw to the church has never left me and my call to be leadership within the church has only increased in strength. I can no longer ignore the constant urge I have to be a bigger part of the church. I have spent time working with the youth to see if that quieted the voice, but it has proven to only make it louder and put the call into concrete form. I can only attribute that to me coming closer to where I should be.
My experience with the call to ministry has been much like hiking toward a waterfall. I have known longer than even I am aware, that the call was there. As I began to move in the direction of God's purpose for me I began to hear the trickle of the water, faint and far away. With each step I have made along the path the sound of the water has become clearer. There have been times when something has distracted me and I have left the path. Then the sound of the waterfall has still been present, and those off path experiences always brought me back to the path with a stronger desire to be there. The water is now loud in my ears. The water fall is just up ahead around a bend. I can almost see it. It is time.
I do have a question regarding the support person for the Discernment process. I have someone in mind, but they are not a member of Richview. She has, however, grown up in the United Church and has known me for 9 years. She is honest and I have no doubt of her ability to be straightforward with me and challenge me throughout this process. Would she be an acceptable choice?
Thank you for your time in reading this letter and considering my request. If you have any questions or need further clarification please feel free to contact me.
Yours
Rebekah Duncan
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Deets on the Letter
Okay the letter must contain:
A request to be considered an inquirer and to beging the Discernment process.
A bit about my connection to the church.
Why I am looking at becoming a Minister. (Keeping it simple)
Closing
This is Michelle's advice.
The post isn't really a letter, I guess I wasn't very clear about that. I have never articulated my journey to this place in any way before so I figured the best way to get to a letter was to first put this stuff down on 'paper'.
I am completely in love with all of you who wrote to me, on the blog and personally. You are all so amazing and I could not ask for a better group of people to call friends. I would like to take a second to publicly acknowledge some of my best and brightest.
Sim - You rock my world and challenge my complacency. Thanks for that. I love you.
Heather - Your friendship makes it easy for me to be myself. Not something I am always comfortable being. I love you
Lisa - I will never share with another girlfriend the things we have shared. I miss you so much. I love you
Nicole - Nobody else makes me want to sing the way you do. (Or understands why I like country music). And no one has ever forced me to find my voice the way you have. I love you
Shelley - My Mommy Buddy. Our play dates are such a relief to me, you make me feel normal (a precious gift) I wish we were closer so it could be more often. I'll be back soon. I love you.
Jenny Benny - My lovely lovely spirited friend. You are so much more than anyone really knows. Thank you for sharing some of that with me. I love you
Marie - My editor. You must cringe every time you read an unedited blog post. I so wish that this distance between us would disappear. Yet I know when the need is there we will reach for each other again. I love you
Jenn K - A chat with you never fails to lift me up and allow me to breathe deeply. You are a cherished soul to me. I love you
Sandra - Your spirit and drive are inspiring. Thank you for letting me in. I love you.
Michelle - You are still new to me, but already you are inspiring me to reach for some stars that I had placed out of reach.
Allie - You keep me young, remind me how that was and why not being in my 20's is fantastic. That might sound weird, but I value that so much. Love you
Anna - I will never forget what you did for me when I was in hospital with Liam. You are a wonderful woman and I so look forward to seeing what comes next for you in your life. I know you will face that with all that makes you so special. I love you.
My Love - I can not truly express what you have done for me in my life. 14 years of friendship, 13 years of relationship and 7 years of marriage to a headcase like me. I think you might be sainted. In seriousness though, you stayed by me while I was an insecure mess (trust me, I was way worse). You stayed though I lied and hurt you, and you forgave me, lesser men would have fled. You challenge me everyday to be better. You chose me as your forever and helped me create two of the most amazing people, our children. You love me even when I hate myself. You encourage me. And so even though you are not always here you are my heart. You are what has allowed me to come to this point and to be able to continue on from here. I am still, so into you.
I also would like to slightly amend something I said.
There are times, especially since my mother-in-law passed away this past October, that the support and friendship I receive on Sunday is all I get for the week. And often it is enough to sustain me. Friends are busy, family far away, husband out of town. Church, as it has always been, is there for me, building me up.
I did not mean that my friends, family and Love do not support me. They do, they so do. I guess I mean that there are times when I am needy and their lives and priorities are not all about me. Shocking I know. In those times when I am in need of a lift and everyone else is living their own lives (again, how dare they!) the church is always there. I expect it to be, that is it's purpose.
Hope that helps
Love
Be
A request to be considered an inquirer and to beging the Discernment process.
A bit about my connection to the church.
Why I am looking at becoming a Minister. (Keeping it simple)
Closing
This is Michelle's advice.
The post isn't really a letter, I guess I wasn't very clear about that. I have never articulated my journey to this place in any way before so I figured the best way to get to a letter was to first put this stuff down on 'paper'.
I am completely in love with all of you who wrote to me, on the blog and personally. You are all so amazing and I could not ask for a better group of people to call friends. I would like to take a second to publicly acknowledge some of my best and brightest.
Sim - You rock my world and challenge my complacency. Thanks for that. I love you.
Heather - Your friendship makes it easy for me to be myself. Not something I am always comfortable being. I love you
Lisa - I will never share with another girlfriend the things we have shared. I miss you so much. I love you
Nicole - Nobody else makes me want to sing the way you do. (Or understands why I like country music). And no one has ever forced me to find my voice the way you have. I love you
Shelley - My Mommy Buddy. Our play dates are such a relief to me, you make me feel normal (a precious gift) I wish we were closer so it could be more often. I'll be back soon. I love you.
Jenny Benny - My lovely lovely spirited friend. You are so much more than anyone really knows. Thank you for sharing some of that with me. I love you
Marie - My editor. You must cringe every time you read an unedited blog post. I so wish that this distance between us would disappear. Yet I know when the need is there we will reach for each other again. I love you
Jenn K - A chat with you never fails to lift me up and allow me to breathe deeply. You are a cherished soul to me. I love you
Sandra - Your spirit and drive are inspiring. Thank you for letting me in. I love you.
Michelle - You are still new to me, but already you are inspiring me to reach for some stars that I had placed out of reach.
Allie - You keep me young, remind me how that was and why not being in my 20's is fantastic. That might sound weird, but I value that so much. Love you
Anna - I will never forget what you did for me when I was in hospital with Liam. You are a wonderful woman and I so look forward to seeing what comes next for you in your life. I know you will face that with all that makes you so special. I love you.
My Love - I can not truly express what you have done for me in my life. 14 years of friendship, 13 years of relationship and 7 years of marriage to a headcase like me. I think you might be sainted. In seriousness though, you stayed by me while I was an insecure mess (trust me, I was way worse). You stayed though I lied and hurt you, and you forgave me, lesser men would have fled. You challenge me everyday to be better. You chose me as your forever and helped me create two of the most amazing people, our children. You love me even when I hate myself. You encourage me. And so even though you are not always here you are my heart. You are what has allowed me to come to this point and to be able to continue on from here. I am still, so into you.
I also would like to slightly amend something I said.
There are times, especially since my mother-in-law passed away this past October, that the support and friendship I receive on Sunday is all I get for the week. And often it is enough to sustain me. Friends are busy, family far away, husband out of town. Church, as it has always been, is there for me, building me up.
I did not mean that my friends, family and Love do not support me. They do, they so do. I guess I mean that there are times when I am needy and their lives and priorities are not all about me. Shocking I know. In those times when I am in need of a lift and everyone else is living their own lives (again, how dare they!) the church is always there. I expect it to be, that is it's purpose.
Hope that helps
Love
Be
Monday, December 7, 2009
Please
If you read Letters, I need feedback please. If you haven't please do. I need feedback please.
Beki
Beki
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Letters
Happy St. Nicks Day (okay it's tomorrow but happy anyway)
I am trying to write a letter. It's to the session of my church, to see if they will support me in my quest to become a minister. It is part of the Discernment process. This is not an easy letter to write. The journey to this decision has been long and well complicated. I would guess that this is how it is for some, though I am sure there are others who feel this was an easy decision to make. I see that, in some respects. Once made, the decision to do this was clear and easy to sit with. The coming to that point however, not so much. So how do I explain why I want to be a minister to these people, without it becoming a short novel?
I have been connected to the church most of my life. My Dad is a minister and when he remarried, he married a minster. My Mum is very active in her church and choir as well. So it could be said that I come by it honestly. It's not that easy though. I spent my 20's away from the church. Busy with my own life and school and trying to figure stuff out. Silly really, since that is probably one of the best reasons to be there.
When I moved to Toronto in November 1998 I felt very alone. I didn't know anyone really. I'd left my love back in Sackville NB, finishing his degree. All my friends were on the East Coast and I was in a large busy place that was shocking to my small town / country girl experience. I cried a lot that year. The guilt of something terrible I had done weighed very heavily on me and I really did not know what I was doing with my life. My BA in Drama wasn't going to be much help and my sense of isolation was often over whelming. By Christmas I had confessed my biggest sin (at least in my opinion) to my love, with great fear of increasing my isolation by his leaving me. He didn't. I have never really gotten over that. I don't feel guilty anymore, but whenever I get my back up with him I remember his forgiveness in that difficult time and I calm myself down.
After that Christmas I began to make connections with people. (It has only just occurred to me that those two things may be connected.) I also began to look for a church. I'd been to one near R*'s parent home at Christmas time, but I didn't feel a connection and it was far away. I was also coming to understand that it was time for me to figure out what I was meant to do with my life. This where my two paths appeared before me.
At that time I was just 24. My love was 20, and I was very worried that one of the choices before me was too much for he and I to handle. I did not choose the the road less traveled. Massage Therapy, not Ministry was the path I chose. I walked the path that looked easier, felt less challenging. Looking back I can see that the road blocks and challenges I faced during my Massage Therapy training may have been indicators that I was not on the path I was meant to take. That didn't occur to me at the time, and I have not regretted my time as an RMT. In fact I love my job and am blessed by fantastic clients and great friends whose lives would not have intersected with mine otherwise. My life and experience is richer because of the decision I made in 1999.
I have never been content with my job however. The love I have for it is, well, lacking something. Seven years ago I began again to search for a place to exercise my spiritual muscles. Looking for a place that would fill my needs, (because I always know what I need, right?) and a Minister that could connect with me. I had known for sometime that I needed to stop comparing them to my Dad, but it was hard to let go of that ideal, and even harder realize that he might not be ideal for me (although I still find him to be fantastic). I found a place that seemed fresh and forward thinking with a wonderful choir. The congregation was large and welcoming . . . ish. What I discovered was that although they were fitting all my text book criteria, there was an emotional component missing for me.
I married my love in April 2002, and in 2004 with our first baby on it's way, we made a decision to move into my in-laws basement to try and save money and pay down debts. Our daughter was born in April 2005 and when my Mother came to spend some time with us she attended a small church nearby, and encouraged me to go. It was not fresh and new and didn't, upon first pass, seem to be forward thinking. However, what become clear even within my first few visits was that they wanted me. They were warm and welcoming and eager to have me stay. I did. I still do.
My soul often soars here. My initial impression has given way to a deeper connection with this eager active church. What has happened since I joined this special place is that it has become increasingly difficult for me to ignore the other path. I have always been aware of it, but now it is in my face, not just hanging out at the back of my mind. I have talked to a few people a little bit about how I think changes may be coming for me, but really very little. My mind has been churning and churning. I began to become very emotional every time I attend Church. Mine especially but any really. My life is very busy and full. Our son arrived in April 2008 and we bought a home this past March. My private practice is growing and my love is away from home far too often for my heart's comfort and perhaps my sanity. I find peace hard to find and feeling peaceful rare and fleeting. With the exception of when I am in the Church. There, even in some of my most overwhelmed, raw moments, I feel peace, support and love. There are times, especially since my mother-in-law passed away this past October, that the support and friendship I receive on Sunday is all I get for the week. And often it is enough to sustain me. Friends are busy, family far away, husband out of town. Church, as it has always been, is there for me, building me up.
I have come to realize very recently that I am fortunate enough to now be looking at that path less traveled yet again. I can no longer ignore the need I have to be a bigger part of the church. I have spent time working with the youth to see if that quieted the voice, but it has proven to only make it louder and the call stronger. I can only attribute that to me coming closer to where I should be.
My experience with the call to ministry has been much like hiking toward a waterfall. I have known longer than even I am aware, that the call was there. As I began to move in the direction of God's purpose for me I began to hear the trickle of the water, faint and far away. With each step I have made along the path the sound of the water has become clearer. There have been times when something has distracted me and I have left the path. Then the sound of the waterfall has still been present, and those off path experiences always brought me back to the path with a stronger desire to be there. The water is now loud in my ears. The water fall is just up ahead around a bend. I can almost see it. It is time.
Love Beki
I am not sure if this explains anything. PLEASE comment.
I am trying to write a letter. It's to the session of my church, to see if they will support me in my quest to become a minister. It is part of the Discernment process. This is not an easy letter to write. The journey to this decision has been long and well complicated. I would guess that this is how it is for some, though I am sure there are others who feel this was an easy decision to make. I see that, in some respects. Once made, the decision to do this was clear and easy to sit with. The coming to that point however, not so much. So how do I explain why I want to be a minister to these people, without it becoming a short novel?
I have been connected to the church most of my life. My Dad is a minister and when he remarried, he married a minster. My Mum is very active in her church and choir as well. So it could be said that I come by it honestly. It's not that easy though. I spent my 20's away from the church. Busy with my own life and school and trying to figure stuff out. Silly really, since that is probably one of the best reasons to be there.
When I moved to Toronto in November 1998 I felt very alone. I didn't know anyone really. I'd left my love back in Sackville NB, finishing his degree. All my friends were on the East Coast and I was in a large busy place that was shocking to my small town / country girl experience. I cried a lot that year. The guilt of something terrible I had done weighed very heavily on me and I really did not know what I was doing with my life. My BA in Drama wasn't going to be much help and my sense of isolation was often over whelming. By Christmas I had confessed my biggest sin (at least in my opinion) to my love, with great fear of increasing my isolation by his leaving me. He didn't. I have never really gotten over that. I don't feel guilty anymore, but whenever I get my back up with him I remember his forgiveness in that difficult time and I calm myself down.
After that Christmas I began to make connections with people. (It has only just occurred to me that those two things may be connected.) I also began to look for a church. I'd been to one near R*'s parent home at Christmas time, but I didn't feel a connection and it was far away. I was also coming to understand that it was time for me to figure out what I was meant to do with my life. This where my two paths appeared before me.
The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
At that time I was just 24. My love was 20, and I was very worried that one of the choices before me was too much for he and I to handle. I did not choose the the road less traveled. Massage Therapy, not Ministry was the path I chose. I walked the path that looked easier, felt less challenging. Looking back I can see that the road blocks and challenges I faced during my Massage Therapy training may have been indicators that I was not on the path I was meant to take. That didn't occur to me at the time, and I have not regretted my time as an RMT. In fact I love my job and am blessed by fantastic clients and great friends whose lives would not have intersected with mine otherwise. My life and experience is richer because of the decision I made in 1999.
I have never been content with my job however. The love I have for it is, well, lacking something. Seven years ago I began again to search for a place to exercise my spiritual muscles. Looking for a place that would fill my needs, (because I always know what I need, right?) and a Minister that could connect with me. I had known for sometime that I needed to stop comparing them to my Dad, but it was hard to let go of that ideal, and even harder realize that he might not be ideal for me (although I still find him to be fantastic). I found a place that seemed fresh and forward thinking with a wonderful choir. The congregation was large and welcoming . . . ish. What I discovered was that although they were fitting all my text book criteria, there was an emotional component missing for me.
I married my love in April 2002, and in 2004 with our first baby on it's way, we made a decision to move into my in-laws basement to try and save money and pay down debts. Our daughter was born in April 2005 and when my Mother came to spend some time with us she attended a small church nearby, and encouraged me to go. It was not fresh and new and didn't, upon first pass, seem to be forward thinking. However, what become clear even within my first few visits was that they wanted me. They were warm and welcoming and eager to have me stay. I did. I still do.
My soul often soars here. My initial impression has given way to a deeper connection with this eager active church. What has happened since I joined this special place is that it has become increasingly difficult for me to ignore the other path. I have always been aware of it, but now it is in my face, not just hanging out at the back of my mind. I have talked to a few people a little bit about how I think changes may be coming for me, but really very little. My mind has been churning and churning. I began to become very emotional every time I attend Church. Mine especially but any really. My life is very busy and full. Our son arrived in April 2008 and we bought a home this past March. My private practice is growing and my love is away from home far too often for my heart's comfort and perhaps my sanity. I find peace hard to find and feeling peaceful rare and fleeting. With the exception of when I am in the Church. There, even in some of my most overwhelmed, raw moments, I feel peace, support and love. There are times, especially since my mother-in-law passed away this past October, that the support and friendship I receive on Sunday is all I get for the week. And often it is enough to sustain me. Friends are busy, family far away, husband out of town. Church, as it has always been, is there for me, building me up.
I have come to realize very recently that I am fortunate enough to now be looking at that path less traveled yet again. I can no longer ignore the need I have to be a bigger part of the church. I have spent time working with the youth to see if that quieted the voice, but it has proven to only make it louder and the call stronger. I can only attribute that to me coming closer to where I should be.
My experience with the call to ministry has been much like hiking toward a waterfall. I have known longer than even I am aware, that the call was there. As I began to move in the direction of God's purpose for me I began to hear the trickle of the water, faint and far away. With each step I have made along the path the sound of the water has become clearer. There have been times when something has distracted me and I have left the path. Then the sound of the waterfall has still been present, and those off path experiences always brought me back to the path with a stronger desire to be there. The water is now loud in my ears. The water fall is just up ahead around a bend. I can almost see it. It is time.
Love Beki
I am not sure if this explains anything. PLEASE comment.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Full circle song
Happy December,
I am listening to "Mighty Like A Rose", by Roger Whittaker. For me this album (Christmas Collection) is my essential go to Christmas album. It isn't Christmas without it. Not really. I sung this when I was about 8, at church at Christmas time, with my Dad on guitar. I remember being so frightened and excited at the same time. I'm not sure they could even hear me.
I have spent a great deal of time feeling that way. Like I am not being heard. Maybe, if we just don't respond she'll . . . go away . . . change her mind . . . forget about it . . . do it on her own. Maybe, or maybe it'll just slowly make her wither away. Build walls so the rejection doesn't hurt. Physical walls. I've written before about sitting in your moment. Just not running. That stillness, is incredible. That quiet, when I let it enter, it fills me till I can't contain it. I think it is in those moments that I write the best. And in those moments I do not need to be heard, because I know someone is listening. It is those moments I know that I am conversation with God. And those moments erase every doubt I have. The doubts come back, but in the back of my mind I know my next moment of peace isn't really that far away. Those are the moments I feel like I can take down the walls I've built for myself. My "fat suit"
All I can speak to is my own experience being 'overweight', but I think it is possible that many fat people feel this way. The "fat suit" , the body armor. It's separate from who you are. Different from how you see yourself in your minds eye. No one is fat on the inside. I forget. I do. But when I remember, it's devistating. The "fat suit" is fabulous really. Amazing in it's complexity. The more you want to hide, the more visible you become. The self destruction, by something essential to life. I want to get out of the suit. I do, yet I still wear it. I have begun many things to try to rid myself of this suit, but finished none. I rarely pray about it though and I am a prayer.
A life long dedicated prayer. Disturbed in some respects. I remember being 6 or 7 and my parents had decided (mistakenly) to explain the threats of nuclear war to me. Holy Hell! At night I PRAYED. I had this belt with a magnetic clasp, and the Concord used to pass over head just after bed time. I would pray and promise the world that if I could just click my magnetic buckle 10 times between the 2 sets of sonic booms we would be safe for the night. I'm not sure if it's just childhood self preservation, but I never put the challenge out of reach. I don't remember when or why I stopped, but I do remember realizing one night that I hadn't done it in awhile. The relief I felt at having that responsibility taken from me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight.
God, I wish that the troubles I carry around in my fat suit would go away. They are not current, they are not now. They have molded me in someways into the woman I and but they in themselves must be done with and put away. I wish I knew how to let go of the foundations of the suit and let it all fall away. I do not not know what it it is I am afraid of finding underneath. It's been so very long since I've known that girl. I know she is young, but there is untapped strength in her and I am just so tired of carrying this damned thing around.
You know this decision I've made to explore theology as a calling is opening me up to new things. I think, though I believe timing is right, that pushing back the desire to do this may have forced me to shut down parts of me that are vital to my health. Mental and physical. I didn't eat the whole pizza tonight. Not because of will power, I have little of that when faced with food, but because I didn't really want it. I think the denial of this essential part of myself has played a bigger part in the state of things in Beki land than I ever would have considered.
People may think I am strange and that it is crazy to be doing this, but I am feeling more settled and able to be myself than I can remember. I find myself surrounded but people who think my choice is a good one and without exception have been supportive. These are the people whom I know will embrace with me what comes next. I expect to be challenged, to have those who know me best to make me think this through. But in the end I know that this will be good for us all.
I sing "Mighty Like A Rose" to my son at night as a lullaby now and think back to being that little girl and how scared I was. There is more to come and all the love and support I need to overcome it.
Thank you
Be
I am listening to "Mighty Like A Rose", by Roger Whittaker. For me this album (Christmas Collection) is my essential go to Christmas album. It isn't Christmas without it. Not really. I sung this when I was about 8, at church at Christmas time, with my Dad on guitar. I remember being so frightened and excited at the same time. I'm not sure they could even hear me.
I have spent a great deal of time feeling that way. Like I am not being heard. Maybe, if we just don't respond she'll . . . go away . . . change her mind . . . forget about it . . . do it on her own. Maybe, or maybe it'll just slowly make her wither away. Build walls so the rejection doesn't hurt. Physical walls. I've written before about sitting in your moment. Just not running. That stillness, is incredible. That quiet, when I let it enter, it fills me till I can't contain it. I think it is in those moments that I write the best. And in those moments I do not need to be heard, because I know someone is listening. It is those moments I know that I am conversation with God. And those moments erase every doubt I have. The doubts come back, but in the back of my mind I know my next moment of peace isn't really that far away. Those are the moments I feel like I can take down the walls I've built for myself. My "fat suit"
All I can speak to is my own experience being 'overweight', but I think it is possible that many fat people feel this way. The "fat suit" , the body armor. It's separate from who you are. Different from how you see yourself in your minds eye. No one is fat on the inside. I forget. I do. But when I remember, it's devistating. The "fat suit" is fabulous really. Amazing in it's complexity. The more you want to hide, the more visible you become. The self destruction, by something essential to life. I want to get out of the suit. I do, yet I still wear it. I have begun many things to try to rid myself of this suit, but finished none. I rarely pray about it though and I am a prayer.
A life long dedicated prayer. Disturbed in some respects. I remember being 6 or 7 and my parents had decided (mistakenly) to explain the threats of nuclear war to me. Holy Hell! At night I PRAYED. I had this belt with a magnetic clasp, and the Concord used to pass over head just after bed time. I would pray and promise the world that if I could just click my magnetic buckle 10 times between the 2 sets of sonic booms we would be safe for the night. I'm not sure if it's just childhood self preservation, but I never put the challenge out of reach. I don't remember when or why I stopped, but I do remember realizing one night that I hadn't done it in awhile. The relief I felt at having that responsibility taken from me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight.
God, I wish that the troubles I carry around in my fat suit would go away. They are not current, they are not now. They have molded me in someways into the woman I and but they in themselves must be done with and put away. I wish I knew how to let go of the foundations of the suit and let it all fall away. I do not not know what it it is I am afraid of finding underneath. It's been so very long since I've known that girl. I know she is young, but there is untapped strength in her and I am just so tired of carrying this damned thing around.
You know this decision I've made to explore theology as a calling is opening me up to new things. I think, though I believe timing is right, that pushing back the desire to do this may have forced me to shut down parts of me that are vital to my health. Mental and physical. I didn't eat the whole pizza tonight. Not because of will power, I have little of that when faced with food, but because I didn't really want it. I think the denial of this essential part of myself has played a bigger part in the state of things in Beki land than I ever would have considered.
People may think I am strange and that it is crazy to be doing this, but I am feeling more settled and able to be myself than I can remember. I find myself surrounded but people who think my choice is a good one and without exception have been supportive. These are the people whom I know will embrace with me what comes next. I expect to be challenged, to have those who know me best to make me think this through. But in the end I know that this will be good for us all.
I sing "Mighty Like A Rose" to my son at night as a lullaby now and think back to being that little girl and how scared I was. There is more to come and all the love and support I need to overcome it.
Thank you
Be
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)