I can't believe I am saying this out loud, but hey it's not like my weight is a secret right. I can't exactly hide the abundance that is me. I am abundant. More abundant it seems than I knew. I am rapidly reaching my maximum pregnancy weight. Thing is, I am not pregnant. The magic number is the one you see in the title Yup.*sigh* 288.
It can't be because of what I am eating . . . any more. I am guessing (a Very educated guess) that it's my lack of purposeful movement. You guessed it EXERCISE. I will be honest. I know where I can find the time. When I have parked my luscious butt in bed at 10 and an reading or watching something, till 12. Hmmm can anyone think of something better I could be doing? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? *tweet tweet tweet* It's not like I don't like exercise. I actually do. Feeling strong and flexible. I like that. I just like doing nothing after a whole day of doing (at least it seems some days) everything, better. My evenings are a big glut of time. Well *sigh* no more sitting around. My TV viewing much now be accompanied by the BIG EEEEEEEE. I knew it. Just was hoping I was wrong.
I didn't weigh myself before I began Vegan / Veggie adventure. So there is a chance I've dropped weight, but the reality that I might have been heavier than this makes me ill. I'd rather believe that no weight has shifted. I find the things that have changed in me over the past 2 months fascinating. As well as the things that haven't changed. My hair feels amazing, and I haven't changed my shampoo since I am trying to use up the things we have first. My skin feels great. I don't know if you will know what I am talking about, but I also have found I am vibrating at a lower frequency. For me that means I feel less irritable, my whole body feels calmer, more sane. I haven't been wheezy, or felt my heart double beat. I just feel more me. Even my period (sorry guys) has changed.
What hasn't? Well the big thing is the weight.
So now moving into the exercise portion of my new programming. Step one. More sleep.
On that note. Good Night.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Puppy Feelings
Have you ever felt like a puppy around someone? You know that feeling, the one of wanting to impress them even though you've known them for 2 days. They have just left such an impression on you. You want to be their friend. Pretty pretty please be my friend. This is something I think is fairly common among children. They can't articulate it but they all feel this way about the other kids that they meet and because it's almost certainly a mutual thing, and there is little self conscious behaviour at that age, they just plunge right in.
As an adult this is a very rare occurrence. There is the possibility that I just have personally not experienced this,and that the adult world at large still does, but I see little evidence of that. It feels a little bit like a crush, but without any of the sexual feelings that often come along with it.
There is a person in my life who I feel like that puppy around. It's all I can do not to blurt out."Please like me. Can we be friends?" Not something we tend to be comfortable with as an adult. I'm sad about it. I have all this emotion surrounding her and yet it is only an acquaintanceship. Okay, maybe more than that, but we aren't buddies. She is crucial to me. Pivotal in my gaining the courage to pursue ministry. She. Is. Just. So . . . Important. The thing about that being I really don't know her all that well. She has only come into my life in the last 6 months and I see very little of her. I'm not sure we can be friends. Friendly yes. She can even be a mentor for me but the parameters of our relationship have already be defined by outside forces.
Still, knowing all that, I feel like this, what can I do for her, how can I hang out with her . . . blah blah blah.
I just wanted to say.
Sigh.
Be
As an adult this is a very rare occurrence. There is the possibility that I just have personally not experienced this,and that the adult world at large still does, but I see little evidence of that. It feels a little bit like a crush, but without any of the sexual feelings that often come along with it.
There is a person in my life who I feel like that puppy around. It's all I can do not to blurt out."Please like me. Can we be friends?" Not something we tend to be comfortable with as an adult. I'm sad about it. I have all this emotion surrounding her and yet it is only an acquaintanceship. Okay, maybe more than that, but we aren't buddies. She is crucial to me. Pivotal in my gaining the courage to pursue ministry. She. Is. Just. So . . . Important. The thing about that being I really don't know her all that well. She has only come into my life in the last 6 months and I see very little of her. I'm not sure we can be friends. Friendly yes. She can even be a mentor for me but the parameters of our relationship have already be defined by outside forces.
Still, knowing all that, I feel like this, what can I do for her, how can I hang out with her . . . blah blah blah.
I just wanted to say.
Sigh.
Be
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Anger
Hello,
I am so tired today. I spent an hour with a client whom I think the world of. The problem being that she is so angry right now. It leaks out of her pores. It is so hard to defend myself against her energy. When she leaves I am completely spent. I can not imagine how she must feel with this swirling around her.
So I encourage you to visit your anger. If you are in fact carrying any around. Is it productive or destructive? If it is destructive, find it's source. sit with in and get into it. I know that it isn't easy, but it is so worth while. Productive anger puts you in motion. It spurs you into action and will make your life better and hopefully the world as well. The destructive anger, it is the one you find yourself curled up in the fetal position at even a mention or thought of the 'offense' even months or years after it has begun. I say begun because until that anger and you have come to terms with each other it has not ended. At it's worst this anger renders you useless to yourself and others. You can't have a conversation without it coming to the surface. It enters your dreams and effects your work. The anger controls you.
I know. I do. There are long moments where the hurt of the past feels so real and so now that all I can do is hibernate. It is only coming out of that on the other side that I realize that the 'offense' has won again. I avoid the feelings of anger because they are frightening to me. Embroiled with violence and hate and all the things I want to as distant from as possible. In distancing myself however, I allow the 'offense' to maintain it's hold on me. I am new to sitting with my feelings. It is uncomfortable. I like to skim surface and pretend to get at the core but really, I've barely even begun to peel the apple. So along with this trip to veganism, comes a clearer imagine of what I want from myself and a greater ability to feel things. It is a learning curve for me to be okay with being angry. To know my world is collapsing and people aren't fleeing. That those moments of violence - Did I mention that there was a time that I actually walked through a plate glass door. Yup, smashed it as I walked through it. - the ones I know I am capable of aren't actually about being angry. They are about not being able to be angry. Not being encouraged and supported in those "negative" feelings. They aren't so "negative" when you use that energy for positive change.
Anger isn't dirty, but it can be very damaging. Mostly to the person who is feeling that repressed anger. Or I guess, not feeling that anger. Sit in it. Find it and invite it to the front of your mind and allow it a voice. I know I need to.
Much Love
Be
I am so tired today. I spent an hour with a client whom I think the world of. The problem being that she is so angry right now. It leaks out of her pores. It is so hard to defend myself against her energy. When she leaves I am completely spent. I can not imagine how she must feel with this swirling around her.
So I encourage you to visit your anger. If you are in fact carrying any around. Is it productive or destructive? If it is destructive, find it's source. sit with in and get into it. I know that it isn't easy, but it is so worth while. Productive anger puts you in motion. It spurs you into action and will make your life better and hopefully the world as well. The destructive anger, it is the one you find yourself curled up in the fetal position at even a mention or thought of the 'offense' even months or years after it has begun. I say begun because until that anger and you have come to terms with each other it has not ended. At it's worst this anger renders you useless to yourself and others. You can't have a conversation without it coming to the surface. It enters your dreams and effects your work. The anger controls you.
I know. I do. There are long moments where the hurt of the past feels so real and so now that all I can do is hibernate. It is only coming out of that on the other side that I realize that the 'offense' has won again. I avoid the feelings of anger because they are frightening to me. Embroiled with violence and hate and all the things I want to as distant from as possible. In distancing myself however, I allow the 'offense' to maintain it's hold on me. I am new to sitting with my feelings. It is uncomfortable. I like to skim surface and pretend to get at the core but really, I've barely even begun to peel the apple. So along with this trip to veganism, comes a clearer imagine of what I want from myself and a greater ability to feel things. It is a learning curve for me to be okay with being angry. To know my world is collapsing and people aren't fleeing. That those moments of violence - Did I mention that there was a time that I actually walked through a plate glass door. Yup, smashed it as I walked through it. - the ones I know I am capable of aren't actually about being angry. They are about not being able to be angry. Not being encouraged and supported in those "negative" feelings. They aren't so "negative" when you use that energy for positive change.
Anger isn't dirty, but it can be very damaging. Mostly to the person who is feeling that repressed anger. Or I guess, not feeling that anger. Sit in it. Find it and invite it to the front of your mind and allow it a voice. I know I need to.
Much Love
Be
Friday, February 5, 2010
Good Morning
Ah ha moment yesterday.
I was writing yesterday:
"Sitting yourself down with you is scary. Inviting your mind to open wide and explore it's contents is daunting. I think I have explored the surface of my mind almost exclusively. Why not? The underneath is not a place any rational person would want to go. I don't really want to dig into the Douglas Files or the Ronnie Chronicles. The men I chose or who chose me and who dominated, tormented and tried to reduce me*. But, I write these words with a different kid of feeling than I have before. To me it's almost calming. I don't want to dig into the Douglas Files or the Ronnie Chronicles anymore. Oh My God. My God, I don't have to. I don't have to! You know I had never considered that. I can close those chapters."
It is strange I know, but this was really news to me last night. For those of you that know me, you might not think (or perhaps you do) that I am a victim. Or have been. For those of you that know the stories, You may or may not think I have dealt with it all well. The truth of the matter is that these stories enter my consciousness all the time. I spend my days dreading the next time I am going to have to sit down and focus my attention on what has been. Yesterday, ridiculous as it seems, was the first time it occurred to me that I may have done enough. That those stories are just that, stories. Stories that are part of my make up. Stories that played a part in me being who I am. But just that, they are not the whole package. They do not define me exclusively. Brilliant. BRILLIANT!
It's not about not being willing to share this stuff with others if there is something to be gained by it. It's about me, not walking around everyday with the Douglas did this and the Ronnie did that to me always in my thoughts. I do not have to think about it any more. I don't.
*I just wanted to touch on this point for a moment. The power the negative people in your life have over you does reduce you. It does. As long as you continue to allow them to smack you down (figuratively or literally) you are reduced. There are times where allowing people to do that to you isn't really allowing - if you are a kid and someone is messing around with you, that's a situation that is nearly impossible to take control over. But as adults if we continue to let the things we have endured in the past actively effect your life. That is your choice. That has been my problem. Letting shadows of the past block out the sun that is shining in my life everyday right now.
This ah ha is so big for me.
'I got sunshine, on a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside, I've got the month of May.'
Love you
Be
I was writing yesterday:
"Sitting yourself down with you is scary. Inviting your mind to open wide and explore it's contents is daunting. I think I have explored the surface of my mind almost exclusively. Why not? The underneath is not a place any rational person would want to go. I don't really want to dig into the Douglas Files or the Ronnie Chronicles. The men I chose or who chose me and who dominated, tormented and tried to reduce me*. But, I write these words with a different kid of feeling than I have before. To me it's almost calming. I don't want to dig into the Douglas Files or the Ronnie Chronicles anymore. Oh My God. My God, I don't have to. I don't have to! You know I had never considered that. I can close those chapters."
It is strange I know, but this was really news to me last night. For those of you that know me, you might not think (or perhaps you do) that I am a victim. Or have been. For those of you that know the stories, You may or may not think I have dealt with it all well. The truth of the matter is that these stories enter my consciousness all the time. I spend my days dreading the next time I am going to have to sit down and focus my attention on what has been. Yesterday, ridiculous as it seems, was the first time it occurred to me that I may have done enough. That those stories are just that, stories. Stories that are part of my make up. Stories that played a part in me being who I am. But just that, they are not the whole package. They do not define me exclusively. Brilliant. BRILLIANT!
It's not about not being willing to share this stuff with others if there is something to be gained by it. It's about me, not walking around everyday with the Douglas did this and the Ronnie did that to me always in my thoughts. I do not have to think about it any more. I don't.
*I just wanted to touch on this point for a moment. The power the negative people in your life have over you does reduce you. It does. As long as you continue to allow them to smack you down (figuratively or literally) you are reduced. There are times where allowing people to do that to you isn't really allowing - if you are a kid and someone is messing around with you, that's a situation that is nearly impossible to take control over. But as adults if we continue to let the things we have endured in the past actively effect your life. That is your choice. That has been my problem. Letting shadows of the past block out the sun that is shining in my life everyday right now.
This ah ha is so big for me.
'I got sunshine, on a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside, I've got the month of May.'
Love you
Be
Monday, February 1, 2010
Top Down #2
Time to face the music.
Neck: 15 1/8
L Arm: 14 1/2
R Arm: 14 1/2
Bust: 49
Ribs: 41
Button: 51 1/2
Hips: 52 1/2
L Thigh: 31
R Thigh: 30 1/4
Hey I like consistency. Some or up a titch some are down a titch. That is compared to 6 months ago. We'll see what this change in eating does. People tell me I've lost some weight so perhaps I'd balooned up a bit and am on my way down. Who knows.
Cheers
Off to Costco after breakfast.
Be
Neck: 15 1/8
L Arm: 14 1/2
R Arm: 14 1/2
Bust: 49
Ribs: 41
Button: 51 1/2
Hips: 52 1/2
L Thigh: 31
R Thigh: 30 1/4
Hey I like consistency. Some or up a titch some are down a titch. That is compared to 6 months ago. We'll see what this change in eating does. People tell me I've lost some weight so perhaps I'd balooned up a bit and am on my way down. Who knows.
Cheers
Off to Costco after breakfast.
Be
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