Neck: 15 1/8
L Arm: 14 1/4
R Arm: 14 1/2
Bust: 49
Ribs: 40 3/4
Button: 50 1/4
Hips: 52
L Thigh: 30 1/2
R Thigh: 29 1/2
Down or the same. Okay I'm in.
Bek
Monday, March 29, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
I chose
Although She doesn't respond so as you all can read it my dear girl H has almost always written me a reply to my posts. This last time she pointed out to me that what I really write about is choice.
She is not wrong. The thing that disappoints me the most about myself is really the choices I make. I make ones that do not advance my life, enhance my life. It's not universally true, nothing is, but it is overwhelmingly true. I have equipped myself with all the tools I need to make the right decisions the majority of the time. Then I left them in the leaky tool shed in the back and they are all rusty. I do take them out, scrub them down, and polish them up from time to time, but then they end up back in the shed.
I find it curious that these choices that I make are not even always the 'easy way out'. Often they make things harder.
~ I eat out too much and that puts a strain on my finances, our finances.
~ I stay up late and therefore I sleep late and then rush about to get where I need to be, I am short with my children and I eat poorly. I don't get in the exercise I want either, all because I stay up too late.
~ I eat poorly and that keeps me fat.
~ I watch too much TV and that is making me stupid.
You see where I am going. So why do it? I know how amazing it is to feel like you've done the right thing for your life. The hike instead of the latte. The veggie brekkie instead of the honeycomb. You feel so alive when the choice is right. SOOOO good.
So today (it's 12:13am) I choose the better choice. The choice that reminds me to love myself.
I chose me.
Please join me and make that choice to commit to yourself too.
Much Love
Be
She is not wrong. The thing that disappoints me the most about myself is really the choices I make. I make ones that do not advance my life, enhance my life. It's not universally true, nothing is, but it is overwhelmingly true. I have equipped myself with all the tools I need to make the right decisions the majority of the time. Then I left them in the leaky tool shed in the back and they are all rusty. I do take them out, scrub them down, and polish them up from time to time, but then they end up back in the shed.
I find it curious that these choices that I make are not even always the 'easy way out'. Often they make things harder.
~ I eat out too much and that puts a strain on my finances, our finances.
~ I stay up late and therefore I sleep late and then rush about to get where I need to be, I am short with my children and I eat poorly. I don't get in the exercise I want either, all because I stay up too late.
~ I eat poorly and that keeps me fat.
~ I watch too much TV and that is making me stupid.
You see where I am going. So why do it? I know how amazing it is to feel like you've done the right thing for your life. The hike instead of the latte. The veggie brekkie instead of the honeycomb. You feel so alive when the choice is right. SOOOO good.
So today (it's 12:13am) I choose the better choice. The choice that reminds me to love myself.
I chose me.
Please join me and make that choice to commit to yourself too.
Much Love
Be
I can be beautiful too.
There are things about yourself that you just hold to be true. Most, I believe, have originally been programmed into you by your parents, closest friends, and that idiot on the street who hasn't thought of you since he tossed that hurtful thoughtless comment your way. No matter where they come from, they are in that loop you play in your head. Some of us are lucky and that loop is full of love and hopes for the best you possible, some of us have had it programmed by the worst that humanity has to offer, but I think most of us have some of both. The curious thing about that loop is that those with the sunflowers in their loop are wondering where their angst is, those whose head is full of other people demons often seem to find light, and the "balanced" fight to deal with the demons and ignore the sunflowers.
I find myself to be in that last group. Why do we cling to the worst people have had to offer us and yet brush off the love that is sent our way without considering it's value? I know I still give thought and weight to things that complete strangers or people I don't respect have said about or to me. Odd that this is what I chose to embrace about myself as true and yet all the beautiful things said to me by loved and cherished people in my life I have let slip through my fingers. I find myself to be ridiculous. What possible benefit it is to me or anyone else for those negatives to be what I believe about myself. It doesn't drive me forward. I'm not propelled into action by these words. They are not "can do" statements. They make me want to curl inward, disappear.
The intelligent mind would then suggest that you rewrite that loop. That instead of clinging the worst people have said / thought about you, you should grab those beautiful musical words that love has sent to you and make them your loop. As an "adult" the idea seems logical. Yet the delightful music is seemingly fleeting, slippery, light as air and hard to hold onto while the dirge plays on and new parts are heavy enough to linger and sticky enough to adhere themselves to your loop. The worst of this is that as you play that darkness back into yourself you begin to believe it to be true, and unknowingly you begin to add to it yourself. Eventually that loop, the one that was hopeful and occasionally painful, has become sticky and dark like tar.
This is why it so hard to rewrite it. The darkness is heavy, tar like and extremely difficult to remove. The loop is so heavy that it spins slowly and we get to spend some quality time looking inward on all the ugliness we believe to be true of ourselves. Everything feels like it is being played back to us in real time, while any remaining love in that loop whizzes past lightening quick because it is light and lively, and we miss it while concentrating on deconstructing the tar to see why we are so terrible.
Here's the thing though, the beautiful words sent in love, if we just opened ourselves up to the potential of those words, they would clean up the tar on our loop. They are the very thing we need to be able to change to loop forever. All you have to do is allow it space to enter into you and allow it possibility. That's all. That's it. The hardest thing to do is let in the possibility of how wonderful you are. When you so sure that the scarred and tar covered loop is what is true of you. When you believe that all that ugly is really who you are it is very hard to believe that there is the possibility that you could be beautiful. That you are in fact beautiful.
If we believed that we were all the best things that anyone had ever said to us, imagine how powerful you would feel. Imagine the possibilities we would hold open for ourselves. Imagine how infectious that kind of happiness could be. Do you remember the last time someone you didn't know made you feel good? I do. Someone just smiled at me while I was walking down the street, and I thought in that brief moment, maybe I am worth looking at. Maybe, just maybe I can be beautiful too.
Just think of the possibilities.
I love you.
Be
I find myself to be in that last group. Why do we cling to the worst people have had to offer us and yet brush off the love that is sent our way without considering it's value? I know I still give thought and weight to things that complete strangers or people I don't respect have said about or to me. Odd that this is what I chose to embrace about myself as true and yet all the beautiful things said to me by loved and cherished people in my life I have let slip through my fingers. I find myself to be ridiculous. What possible benefit it is to me or anyone else for those negatives to be what I believe about myself. It doesn't drive me forward. I'm not propelled into action by these words. They are not "can do" statements. They make me want to curl inward, disappear.
The intelligent mind would then suggest that you rewrite that loop. That instead of clinging the worst people have said / thought about you, you should grab those beautiful musical words that love has sent to you and make them your loop. As an "adult" the idea seems logical. Yet the delightful music is seemingly fleeting, slippery, light as air and hard to hold onto while the dirge plays on and new parts are heavy enough to linger and sticky enough to adhere themselves to your loop. The worst of this is that as you play that darkness back into yourself you begin to believe it to be true, and unknowingly you begin to add to it yourself. Eventually that loop, the one that was hopeful and occasionally painful, has become sticky and dark like tar.
This is why it so hard to rewrite it. The darkness is heavy, tar like and extremely difficult to remove. The loop is so heavy that it spins slowly and we get to spend some quality time looking inward on all the ugliness we believe to be true of ourselves. Everything feels like it is being played back to us in real time, while any remaining love in that loop whizzes past lightening quick because it is light and lively, and we miss it while concentrating on deconstructing the tar to see why we are so terrible.
Here's the thing though, the beautiful words sent in love, if we just opened ourselves up to the potential of those words, they would clean up the tar on our loop. They are the very thing we need to be able to change to loop forever. All you have to do is allow it space to enter into you and allow it possibility. That's all. That's it. The hardest thing to do is let in the possibility of how wonderful you are. When you so sure that the scarred and tar covered loop is what is true of you. When you believe that all that ugly is really who you are it is very hard to believe that there is the possibility that you could be beautiful. That you are in fact beautiful.
If we believed that we were all the best things that anyone had ever said to us, imagine how powerful you would feel. Imagine the possibilities we would hold open for ourselves. Imagine how infectious that kind of happiness could be. Do you remember the last time someone you didn't know made you feel good? I do. Someone just smiled at me while I was walking down the street, and I thought in that brief moment, maybe I am worth looking at. Maybe, just maybe I can be beautiful too.
Just think of the possibilities.
I love you.
Be
Saturday, March 6, 2010
A Day with Emmanuel Collage
What a beautiful space to learn in. Lovely old, albeit,chilly building. I'll take interesting and cool over institutional and climate controlled any day.
The ad for this event said that this event often was the turning point to which people considering the M Div program decided it was what they were going to do. To me this implies that they left with more answers than they came in with. This is just not the case with me.
I am more afraid than ever.
The admissions requirements feel prohibitive - which is my own past selves fault.
The financial part feels unattainable.
The trip seems so long and so challenging.
I am scared that the internship is going to take me away from my family.
I am terrified that the settlement process is going to take us away from our home.
I am petrified that this means *R is going to leave me or that I am going to be forced to choose between what feels so strongly my vocation and my family.
I am so frightened.
But when I opened my hymn book for our first hymn I got the number right away. I cried all day (inside mostly but a bit on the outside). I ache to be there.
Yet as I am convincing myself that maybe I just can't do this, I making plans about talking to admissions this year about my challenges and see what I may need to do before I apply next year. I have applied for a side flex job which would allow me to pay for school.
I feel sick. Afraid. I am praying for help.
Help.
LoBe
The ad for this event said that this event often was the turning point to which people considering the M Div program decided it was what they were going to do. To me this implies that they left with more answers than they came in with. This is just not the case with me.
I am more afraid than ever.
The admissions requirements feel prohibitive - which is my own past selves fault.
The financial part feels unattainable.
The trip seems so long and so challenging.
I am scared that the internship is going to take me away from my family.
I am terrified that the settlement process is going to take us away from our home.
I am petrified that this means *R is going to leave me or that I am going to be forced to choose between what feels so strongly my vocation and my family.
I am so frightened.
But when I opened my hymn book for our first hymn I got the number right away. I cried all day (inside mostly but a bit on the outside). I ache to be there.
Yet as I am convincing myself that maybe I just can't do this, I making plans about talking to admissions this year about my challenges and see what I may need to do before I apply next year. I have applied for a side flex job which would allow me to pay for school.
I feel sick. Afraid. I am praying for help.
Help.
LoBe
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)