UCC II 6

The next batch of questions, see if you can guess what they were.         

          My understanding of ministry comes from living life as a minister’s daughter within the United Church of Canada. My faith has grown from a rich home and church based spiritual life. I remember Sunday school from a very really early age, but my clearest first memory of making conscious decisions about my spiritual life is when I was eight. My parents chose to have my brother and I dedicated at birth to allow us the chance to decide on baptism for ourselves. My Father spent a lot of time with us talking about what it meant to be baptized and asking us questions about God, Jesus and what we believed. I don’t remember what I said and I am sure it was very childlike, but I do remember knowing then that it was serious business and I felt very responsible going through the process.

My spiritual growth has been guided by my parents, church, relationships to other youth, growing up, youth leaders, music and physical expressions of faith and love. I value the people and events that have shaped my faith even if the people have drifted away, though I have kept close friendships with some. These people are a part of my faith story and I remember there effects on me years later. I’m not strong at praying, but I am making a conscious effort to do so this year. I know what I believe has come from many different sources, and I know that my faith journey and development is not over, and probably never will be. I have always enjoyed being active in the life of my church.

I liken my experience of call to ministry has been much like hiking toward a waterfall.  I have known longer than I think I am aware, that the call was there.  As I began to move in the direction of God's purpose for me I began to hear the trickle of the water, faint and far away.  With each step I have made along the path the sound of the water has become clearer.  There have been times when something has distracted me and I have left the path.  Then, the sound of the waterfall has still been present, and those off path experiences always brought me back to the path with a stronger desire to be there.  The water is now loud in my ears.  The waterfall is just up ahead around a bend.  I can almost see it.

I chose to go to Massage Therapy School instead of going into ministry in 2000. It was an active decision that I spent a lot of time with. The reality for me at that time was although I felt compelled to be a part of the church on a greater level, and felt then that ministry held something for me, I was not ready. My partner was not ready. I was young, scared and overwhelmed by the idea. The path through Massage Therapy was not smooth. I struggled with several of the subjects and had to work very hard to obtain mediocre grades at best. I loved the work, the people, and the exchange of energy and idea. I learned how to study, and apply myself. Although the results academically were not brilliant I gained a great deal from my time there and have made some incredible friends as well. Conversely the move toward ministry has been smooth. Even the small blips have proven to be insignificant and I have rarely felt so peaceful about a decision. Although going into ministry is something I take very seriously, it has been an easy decision to make.

I am not sure how to talk about my faith stance, or even if I fully understand what that means. I feel I have so much to learn, but what I am comfortable with is this; I believe in God, God’s son Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I believe that a person’s relationship to the Trinity is as individual as they are and that those differences should be explored and celebrated. I believe in the huge value of a church community to a wider community and to its members. I believe Jesus died for our sins and that the Bible has a great deal to teach us. I think living Gods word is hard, but worthwhile. I know expressing your beliefs can be scary but it should still be done. I know God to be a forgiving and nurturing God, caring for us all regardless of what we call Him or Her. I believe the universe is at God’s command but that God exercises restraint and allows us to find our own way, and I know that that way is much easier to find if you ask God for help.

Ministry for me is normal. It’s what my day-to-day life has almost always been. It is a job, a calling and a part of who you are. I understand it can be late nights and long days. I know you can come home feeling defeated and confused or uplifted and renewed. I know you are always working in committee with someone, even if that someone is God. It is Sunday mornings and Tuesday nights. It is time invested in something that is often invisible and the pay off may be a long way away. I know it is co-operation and conviction. It is a life of gains and losses, Marriages, baptisms, funerals and confirmations. Ministry is support and comfort. It is challenge and acceptance. It is boundless and full of boundaries. It is a family affair and is often scrutinized, full of expectations and exceptions. It is a challenge to be open to new ideas and to continue to grow in your own faith as you guide others in theirs, but to be otherwise is to stumble and fall.

UCC Interview Info 5

Question Two
b) With what age ranges and groups are you most comfortable with.


At some point in my life I have spent time with every age group. Through my teens and twenties I taught swimming lessons and spent a lot of time with toddlers. I've babysat, worked in a daycare, was a Nanny and I love babies.  While at university I worked in Elder care as a companion for a blind women in her late 80's. I have been a camp counselor to tweens and early teens and am currently a youth group leader for teens from 13 to 18, as well as sitting on several committee's within my own peer group. I really enjoy working with all ages. I believe each has it's lessons to teach me. Currently I am really enjoying working with the teens. I want to fire them up the way my youth leaders did when I was a teen.



Question Three
a) Describe your work habits, include comments on your leadership style, initiative, communication skills, organizational skills, ability to set priorities, ability to follow through on work undertaken and how you relate to people


Okay, so the hug session is over.
My work habits. If I'm into it I'd say my habits are excellent. If I'm not I hit the rocks about midpoint and if it frightens me or I don't understand, it probably won't make it off the ground. Whatever it is.

If I am confident in  my skills in the area we are working in I am happy to take the lead. Otherwise I prefer to not be in charge. I like to be part of a team and have my place, but would rather not be the chair or leader. However, I really don't like being in a group that has no leader and no direction. If I find myself in that situation I will step up and do my best to lead the group. It's not that I can't do it, it's just that I prefer not to. When I find myself in the leadership role I like to get a balanced input. It took me time to get there and I know I have learnt some hard lessons about trying to do it all on my own. Everyone has a strength and if you can figure out what it is you will find the right thing for each person to do to make the whole project come together.

I am full of ideas. It is one of my abundances. I am also great at starting projects and genuinely want to see them to completion.  Follow through, however, is a weakness, but one I am acutely aware of and working hard at correcting. I was a last minute girl through High School and University, didn't do well, just enough to get by.

Taking initiative is something I have often been reluctant to do, being afraid that what I suggest will fail. I used to be shy as well, but now find it easy to meet people and feel confident in myself and my ideas. I now find taking the initiative much easier, especially when I am excited about the idea.

I believe I communicate well, I am expressive and engaged in conversation and spend a great deal of time writing my thoughts out as well. I care about what people have to say and try to listen carefully and fully. I do get frustrated when I feel I can not articulate when I am thinking or feeling. I love people, hearing their stories and helping them sort through things. My life's challenges have set me up to be able to take a walk in many peoples shoes. I am grateful for the rough spots because they allow me to be more empathetic and genuine.

I love to organize things, spaces and events. I love it.

With the birth of my two children I believe I have a better grasp on priority. Honestly I get derailed sometimes but I always find my way back.



b) What kind of situations cause you stress and how do you deal with it?


Stress visits my digestive system before it ever makes it to my head, I deal with it by crying, writing, deep breathing and organizing. I get stressed when I feel like there is too much to do in an insufficient period of time. I tend to start to fluster until I recognize that I am stressed and then I take a second to pull it all back together. I find situations that I can not help in stressful as well as times when I feel there is negative talk. I am not intimidated by situations I consider stressful, I generally take that as a challenge to face it on and overcome. I crave sugar under stress as well, but a cup of tea is much more helpful in calming things down.

Night Be

Sorry Loves

Hello my faithful reader . . . s

I am sorry the last few and the next few posts are so - dull. I want it all recorded and I need it all for my letter to conference, but it is a little bit of a me fest in a way I'm not so comfy with and I am guessing isn't so fun to read. I learned today that the average length of these documents is 8 pages. Mine is looking closer to 15 at the moment. Edit edit edit. 

So today I was actually thinking about something else. I am in the process of purging our house. The only real place that I am practicing any restraint in is the kids toys, and let me tell you, it's hard. I really don't like how cluttered their playroom is. There is no blank wall space. Every floor edge had something sitting on it. I so want to go through it and just get rid of stuff. The Duplo already went to Grandpa C's and Gramma M and Grandpa H are getting the little people stuff. They just have so much and I feel over whelmed by it all. That is why I am asking fro IKEA gift cards for them for Christmas. They don't need more toys, they need smarter storage. Uniform and easy to keep clean and organized. 

It's not just their play room that's getting cleaned up and thrown away / donated. The whole house is experiencing it. The wrath of the cleaner. Art drawers have been cleaned out, all nine. The closets hold what I want and nothing more. I have been feeling like our house is bloated, heavy and overstuffed with stuff. I'm excited when I see my dresser drawers with space in them and only clothes I wear. I want to be able to find things without digging through other things. I want things in our house to have a place. Where do you put your stuff when you come in from outside? Your purse, computer bag, your lunch bag and the kids school bags and so on. These simple little things are the things that end up as clutter. things belch out of the bag and voila you can't walk across the room without stepping on or over something.

It's not that I want a shiny house that looks staged, it's that I want things to have a place so that it doesn't take me four days and I still am not finished cleaning the house. Plus with me going back to school full time next year I really would like to train the family to pitch in and tidy as they go. I think I should be able to train them in a year don't you.

Okay fell asleep for a sec.

Night. Be

UCC Interview Info 4

Question 2
a) Describe your relationships with the significant people in your life. To whom do you reach out for support?

YAY! I get to talk about the people  love!
Oh God! I have to talk about the people that I love.

Dear God, help me talk about the people that I love.

I'm a keeper. If you walk into my life and affect me, I keep you. My friends and family are the most incredible people on the planet. I know that I said that I am on the other end of the phone at 3 am if you need me, but my people are there too. Anytime I have reached out for a hug, shoulder or sounding board they are here for me. They are strength and support, they are love and comfort. I believe the friends you chose are a reflection of who you are, Everything that I believe myself to be, I know my friends to be and more.
I think that when you decide you want to go into ministry you expect skepticism and questions, I know I expected a lot of questions from my eclectic group of friends. My friends and family unanimously were behind me and are engaged in the process. Their interest encouraged me to blog what it happening in my life as I go through the Discernment process and into school. In fact, in the moments when I write "what am I doing?" they are the first ones to remind me why I am here and why they think I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I am grateful everyday for their presence and support. The people that make up my friends come from all times and stages in my life. Elementary and High School, University, Church, Theatre and Work. Some I have known since I was 4 and others I've know for a year.
My family is is the biz, so to speak. I feel so far from them sometimes physically, but they are always close when I need them to be even if it's on the phone. My husbands family has embraced me like I am blood and protect me and love me with the same fierceness they do each other. I am so grateful for them.
My husband - my husband. He asks the right questions, challenges me to think critically and would support me in anything as long as he thought it wouldn't be damaging to myself and the family. I've made a commitment to my family and they will always come first, and they have committed to me that they will help me however they can.
I make friends easily but those closest to me, they are my world.

Beki

UCC Interview info 3

Describe the communities you have lived in and your role / involvement in them.

*sigh*

really?

okay . . .


I would say that there are four main communities than I have lived in.

From the age of four till eleven I lived in a village of four hundred in rural Cape Breton, NS. This was my Father's first pastoral charge and had four points (four churches in case you wondered what that meant). Even though I was a young child I was as active within our church(es) as I would imagine any ministers child would be. I have a long history of performing Christmas Pageants in every role but Jesus and Joseph. I sung solos, was a member of the Sunday School and did all the jobs they let little munchkins do within the church. I remember being very proud the first time I took collection, nervous too. This is the village my Mother now lives in again and so I have the opportunity to reconnect with the people I knew then, each time I visit. It is funny to see everyone still sitting in the same place on a Sunday. I still consider this to be where I am 'from' and miss the rural life often.


In my Father's second charge we went from four small churches to one large one of seven hundred fifty families and team ministry (two full time ministers) in a town of ten thousand. I graduated from High School here. At this church Sunday School continued all the way through to grade twelve, and in our last year we spent time visiting other denominations. I sang in the youth choir and was a member of the youth group. I participated in other churches youth retreats as well, including one called "18 hours to Save the World"
I went to UC camp in the summers for three years as a camper and two as a counselor. I loved being at camp and I connected well with my campers,with my mantra "Weird is wonderful." I still have lots of pictures that my campers sent me after camp, hanging out with their friends sticking their tongues out at me, which was part of the mantra. I attended Maritime Conference Youth Forum for four years, as well as General Counsel in 1992. These weekends charged me up in a way I have never experienced anywhere else. It was a place to connect with other youth who were as engaged in their relationship with God as I was. I still maintain friendships made during youth forum. It was, awesome! 
In school I was in the environment club and we went to elementary schools talking about recycling and doing our part, even as kids, to help our environment. I taught swimming lessons and was a lifeguard from grade seven to twelve, first as a volunteer and then as staff.


My next major community was university, I chose Mount Allison because I had fallen in love with it while there for youth forum. I didn't even apply anywhere else. This is the time in my life when I felt the least connected to God, and in hindsight when I needed to be connected. In typical student fashion I chose sleep over church. I gave everything I had to Theatre, a techie, stage manager dressed in black. I was a poor student, emotional and damaged. I had been bored by school, had poor study habits and did as little as necessary to get by. Anything outside of the subjects I liked got no attention and those I did didn't get enough. I studied Theatre, Religious Studies, and Classics mostly. I did manage to get into a fourth year creative writing class which I  enjoyed more than any other class. I made mistakes and alternated between trying to figure out myself and heal, as ignoring myself all together. 


Lastly is Richview. I had been shopping for a church in very Urban Toronto for about a year. My Mother found Richview while she was here visiting after Mira was born six and a half years ago. The sense of homecoming when I began to go to Richview was amazing. I was so physically relieved to be back in a church community, and their acceptance was swift and deep. It was less than a year before I was recruited for the youth group, and have been working with the youth of Richview ever since. I have been active within Richview since I walked in the doors. I sit on several committees and have been the custodian there for a year now. My heart beats stronger there. I am a Registered Massage Therapist and Reiki Master with a private practice in Etobicoke. I love that people within my church come to me for help and information. As this time in my life has been filled with two beautiful young children and running a new business, my involvement outside of the church and work has been nil. What I am doing now consumes all the time I have. 


Being a member of Richview, and having the gift of Rev. Michelle Robinson as our minister for the past two years has made ignoring the call I felt for the past decade or more impossible. So with Richview's blessing and support, as well as that of my friends and family, I am now in the role of inquirer.




Hmmmm


Beki

UCC Interview Info 2

Describe my family background and how that has shaped your growth and development?

(Okay, I have to wonder if they answered these questions for themselves before deciding they were good to ask. I am breaking a sweat trying to figure out how to write this stuff. It's not all sunshine and roses.)

My Dad is a (retired) United Church Minister. He began seminary when I was about two and so it's all I know of him. When I was four (and my brother, two) he was settled in rural Cape Breton, NS. Marion Bridge is what I consider to be home although I was born in Richmond Hill, ON. He was given a four point charge. I'm not sure if this did my family a service or not. Considering he was a young father, a four point charge kept him away from home a great deal. I know I missed him. I listened to him each Sunday and have a great respect for his skills as a minister, but know I will be different and I am just fine with that.

My brother was a handful as a child. I remember my Dad once sitting down with me when I was about seven and telling me that I should do what Jesus taught and turn the other cheek, and lead by example. I think that is a good thing to try to do, but for a literal little girl it had some less than positive side effects. With my brother I didn't defend myself, I let him lash out at me without repercussion, and in turn I didn't learn how to defend myself, for a long time. His boundless energy and enthusiasm is infectious. He was and still is more of an inspiration for persistence and resilience than he has ever been a pain in the butt. I take his life lessons with me too.

My Mum is one of the hardest working people I know, but did feed into my "Mary Poppins Complex" (the desire to be practically perfect in every way.) She has always wanted the best for me and from me (as well as from herself) and it can be a lot of pressure. She is talented and generous and one hundred percent heart.

My home life was everything I needed it to be. I never doubted that I was loved and valued. My brother drawing focus in the house meant that I could exercise my own freedom and grow into to person I am. I am grateful that I had the chance to do that, because I believe that without it I would have been more inclined to be a homebody and hide away. Instead, I am independent and self sufficient. Growing up in a church house has the reputation of producing saints or rebels for children. I believe I was neither, though I know I did what I could to put the right face on for the ministers family. My rebellions were small and unnoticed. I stayed out of trouble and was rewarded with more liberty than most of my friends.

Dad and Mum decided to have my brother and myself dedicated at birth to allow us to make the decision to be baptized on our own. I remember the process distinctly (We were six and eight) and I believe having to articulate at a young age who I thought Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit were and what I believed really stitched it into me. I felt so grownup. All aspects of my life had God present in them growing up. The Christian (and some Jewish) holidays I treasure are all due to how my parents framed them. I believe I was given the true message behind each holiday first and foremost with the secular as window dressing, and I am now doing all I can to pass that to my children. I have been breathing God in my whole life. Now I just need to figure out how to breath God out.

Does this answer the question?

UCC Interview Info 1

I thought I'd share what I have to write to my interview board. It's harder for me because even though I talk about myself, this is different. It's hard to articulate these types of things about myself. This won't be what I hand in per se, it's more me working it out before I write the official paper.

a) Describe yourself. Comment on your personal growth. What are some strengths and weaknesses? What do you value most about yourself?

Who am I? Answering this question without immediately jumping into a physical description, and an emphasis on what I perceive to be my shortcomings in that area is challenging. What I look like is only a small portion of who I am, and should be insignificant to this question, but it isn't. My physical self and what I have experienced in my skin has shaped me as much as any other influence. It is the singular cause of every insult I have ever received, and held onto. Not once have I been told I am stupid or an idiot, Not been called a whore or been told I am worthless. I'm not sure I've even been called ugly, though I've heard it anyway. Fat. I have been called fat. I am fat.
So even though it's not the answer to your question the first thing I think of when someone asks me to describe myself is "I'm Fat" what I say is "I'm abundant."
Although Fat is not all that I am, abundant is not that far from the mark. I am abundant in what I am and in what I lack. That's not self criticism, but simply my awareness that I can not be or do everything. I am abundant in the roles I play in my life. I love fully, and without judgement. I over commit myself out of a love for what I am doing. I work hard at the things I care about. I am full of ideas. I am scared of more things then I'm not, but I face them and walk on anyway because the alternative is far worse. My children and my husband mean more to me than I ever thought was possible, and I love them more fiercely each day. I am at the other end of the phone at 3 in the morning, and I am honest in what I say. I am a Mother, Daughter, Wife, Sister, Aunt, In Law, Friend, and Relative. I am a custodian, a Massage Therapist, a singer and a writer. I love the dark and the colour orange. I am vegan, and I care deeply about what we are doing to our planet. I am nothing in singularity yet I am singularly Beki and I am learning that, that is completely okay.

As for personal growth, that continues daily. I learn new things about myself all the time and I love that. I like being able to look back on all the shit that's poured over my life and still be grateful. I know that it's had a hand in the person I've become. Those experiences allow me to connect and relate to more people. Personal growth is constant as I take in new ideas and shelve old ones. The biggest changes have been about self acceptance, and realizing that I am enough. The whole discernment process was very uplifting for me and I think for the first time since I was a child I could hear good things about myself and not think yeah, but . . . and I could hear the criticism and not feel personally attacked.

My strengths: I am passionate about the church and seeing it move forward. I, very much, want to be a part of that momentum. I am friendly, genuine, honest and upfront. I love to learn and am eager to be actively doing that again. I like to be organized and have been running my own business for 6 years. I love people, but especially like working with youth, though I have experience working with the elderly as well as small children.Weaknesses: I tend to talk over people, especially when excited to add to the conversation. I know why I do that, and I am working to stop. I am strong on ideas but weak on follow through. This annoys me no end and I am focusing on this as an area of myself to improve. I have a tendency to try to do everything, and have recently figured out that to delegate is not only valuable to the project as a whole but allows me to step back, be more objective, and learn an new way of looking at or doing something.

What I value most in myself is my capacity for love, and my ability to get hurt. To me, that means that I haven't closed myself off. Life has thrown curve balls and I am still standing. Some days that proves harder than others but I have survived thus far.

Moi

I woke up.

Made peace with my body for today and actually - like myself - today.

Love Be

Jann Arden & An Apology . . . to men

I know, I know, it's an unlikely combination but I'm all about unusual.

So, I'm listening to Jann Arden, picking her best slow ruminating kinda stuff. She is amazing. One of my big regrets in life is that I blew a chance to go to her concert and meet her. She came to Mt A. when I was in, mmm, probably 3rd or 4th year, and I didn't try. I loved her then, but had no idea what kind of impact her music would have on me and my life. I write 'with' her often. I don't fan follow her, I find that kind of stuff awkward. But she is one of the few I would be excited to meet. Anyway, it there is music you like to listen to to be inspired, or to snuggle in with I would love to know.

a. n. y. w. a. y.

So, the apology to men part. This is really to my husband, I have been thinking about this for awhile. Trying to evaluate and re-evaluate my opinion on men and their emotional breadth and depth. I've had a little help from KX96 (95.9 FM). Country singing men often sing about their loves. I have come to some pretty startling realizations. I've been short changing them. Big time. 

I'll admit I've been struggling with confidence in myself, and the security of my relationship since R* returned from a trip about 20 months ago. I hate being in this place and one of the stupidest part about it all is that he didn't do a damned thing. None of this scenario was his fault, and in fact he did what I have been told many would not have done (regardless of gender). I know I am being cryptic, and I am sorry, but I am trying to stay true to my purpose for this blog while respecting him and his privacy. A tricky balance which I am certain I do not always find. {insert apology one here}. The other stupid thing is that I've lived in this feeling (to a greater degree) before. It feels like a life time ago, at the start of R* and I. I think this makes me a little less loveable too, grumpy and more demanding. Ugh, I really don't like that girl, erm, woman.

What I am saying is this: He did nothing, I feel like things are slipping, and it's all in my own head . . . again. It all come to a point on Friday morning, he'd had late night Thursday, and I was playing that . . . wish I didn't know these words . . . "What if" game. When I left on Friday morning I pretty much growled in his ear, 'If you ever leave me I'll kill you." What I didn't expect was the mostly asleep, growl back, echoing my words. Now I may not know a lot of things, but one thing I am confident about if my husbands brain functioning level while mostly asleep. Not smooth and calculated, not fake or suave. Real, honest, tired and true. It has been a long time since I needed to hear something like that but maybe, maybe for the first time, I heard what he said.

"I love you"

then I think, I drive M* to school and L* to daycare, and I think, and I hear 

"It's you and me, us, together, our life. . .all I want is here"

"I love you"

"I love you"

he loves me

I know he loves me, but he L. O. V. E.S me.

The stuff I project on him. It's not his, it's mine. It's me. I know we've been here before.

I honestly realized that I thought it was a given that we were temporary. Long term, but not forever. That he would at some point fall out of what he had fallen into. Not just him, all men. I just believed that men didn't commit the same way I do. I am saying I because I know this is such an awful and ridiculous realization that I don't want to generalize about both genders at the same time. Plus we all know that outside the land of Beki, women and man are equally capable of douchery and of commitment. Women do not have the market cornered on being the better partner. I know too many really amazing and committed husbands who were fucked over by their wives, or are pulling the lions share, while their partner loses themselves in a bottle etc etc etc.I have never given them enough credit. {insert apology two here}

"I Would Die For You" is playing right now.

So what I have learned this week after 15 1/2 years together it this. He is in. All in. If he is, then others can be too. and probably are. Now the down side of all this learning is that I will now be expecting more. Flowers, effort, time, tenderness. The showing side of the love not just the loving part of it, the demonstrative side, not just the 'bringing home the bacon'

So, I am sorry, to all men, but most specially, my husband.

He is my world, he is much of the reason I am who I am and definitely my missing piece.

I am sorry that I didn't think you could feel the same way about me.

"I love you more"

I can finally accept that the reality is . . .

"I love you the same."

I could not ask for anything better. So thanks for threatening to kill me. It's the most romantic thing you've said to me since 'I Do."

I Am Sorry.

Love Be

My letter to Presbytery.

Hello

My name is Rebekah Duncan, but please call me Beki. It's been awhile since I have written an essay like this, so please bear with me.

The United Church has always been a part of my life. My Father answered was anything less than an extension of my home. Not only a place to be respected and cared for but as a place of safety, comfort and welcome. It has been rare for me to enter a church and not immediately feel a sense of well being and home coming. The churches I have been a part of, have not just supported my spiritual growth, but my growth outside of my relationship with God as well. I have practiced for piano and dance recitals, accepted awards, sung in choirs, babysat in nurseries, taught Sunday school, read scripture, given a sermon, done homework and so many more things all within the walls of a church. I have been everybody but Jesus in the Christmas pageant, even a talking donkey. While at University I spent some time studying with the religious studies department, and found it to be a place where I also felt to home working with the Bible and studying other religions. When I think back I cannot separate the church from my life. It is inherent to who I am.

Growing up within the United Church has left me with more influences than I can mention. So I will tell you what comes quickly to mind when I think about my influences. My Dad and later, my step-Mom; for what I would think are obvious reasons. They have spoken out when it matters and preached from the heart and with integrity. Although they are 'retired' now their involvement continues and is deep. My Mum; just by the life she leads, her own spiritual path, and the loving, giving person she has always been. I am so incredibly blessed and proud to be their daughter. So many of the leaders and participants, some of whom I still maintain friendships with, of the many Maritime Conference Youth Forums; they have molded my expectations for youth events and etched a never ending list of what worship means into my brain. My fire was always stoked there and I would leave with enough energy, hope and support to sustain me for months afterwards. Rev. Ron Coughlin, his ministry has been wonderful, and I will be forever grateful for his encouragement of my children to be the free-range church children they are. He has helped nurture a bond between them and their church community that will be hard to break. His biggest gift to me however, was his decision to retire. In his leaving he left a space for Rev. Michelle Robinson to fill, and that is a gift I will never fully be able to repay. Michelle's presence at Richview was everything I needed. She got me, without knowing me she preached right to me and after two years of getting to know her none of that initial shine has worn off. Without Michelle I very well may still be sitting on the fence. Being able to see myself in her shoes was key to me being here.

My understanding of ministry is much broader in the ordained and lay areas than diaconal.  Lay ministry, I believe, is as diverse as the people who attend a church. My lay ministry is to be a Youth Leader, to belong to the committees that call to me (Worship, Vision in Action, and Property). I am also custodian of our church. For others it's looking after the gardens, baking for sales, crafting for a bizarre, singing in the choir, teaching Sunday school, or reading scripture, to name a very few. Growing up with a Father, and later a step-Mother as ministers has lead me to an intimate understanding of what being an ordained minister is, at least to them. The time and commitment required to be that leader, teacher, spiritual guide, shoulder and supporter. Its focus is described as sacrament, pastoral care and the word. Diaconal ministry, as I have seen it, can be much the same as ordained, but with a greater emphasis on education.

I hope you will excuse me for using some of my letter to my own church when asking to be declared an inquirer. I feel it best expresses my own journey to this place.

“My journey to this decision has been long and complicated. I suspect that this is common among those who come to this realization about their life's purpose. In my early 20's I felt a pull towards Ministry. At the time Ministry felt too challenging, so I chose what I thought would be an easier path and determined to become a RMT. My career is very rewarding and fulfilling, not to mention challenging, so while I do not regret the decision I made in 2000, the draw to Ministry has not left me. Working with the Richview youth group over the past three years, as well as serving on an Internship committee has only served to intensify my sense of call.

            This experience has been much like hiking toward a waterfall. I have known longer than even I am aware, that the call was there. When I began to move in the direction of God's purpose for me I heard the trickle of the water, faint and far away. With each step I have made along the path, the sound of the water has become clearer. There have been times when I have become distracted, and left the path. The sound of the waterfall has still been present, and those off-path experiences always brought me back to the path with a stronger desire to be there. The water is now loud in my ears. The waterfall is just up ahead, around a bend. I can almost see it.”

My own walk with God has been as interesting as the people I have in my life. I see God every day, feel God, and even occasionally notice God’s seeming absence. There have been moments when I have felt the hand of God at my back and times when I hurt so much I couldn’t let God in. My relationship with God is still growing and changing but it is and has always been, constant.

My discernment process . . . I love my ladies. I miss spending time with them immensely. I was sorry to see one of us leave when he moved outside our presbytery, I think having a male voice was helpful, even just for two meetings. It saddened me that my new rep never made an appearance. However, I fully believe that we learned, grew, changed and became better women because of it. In the beginning I felt frustrated, because I really wanted confirmation that ordained ministry was the right path for me to take. The time we had to all talk about the discussion points was just not enough. We could have spent a whole day for each meeting rather than the two or three hours we had. At the fourth meeting I asked for the next meeting to be given to revisiting any outstanding questions we might have from the first four meetings and that made a huge difference to me. I know the women in my group (Presbytery Rep notwithstanding) felt unprepared and unqualified to be a part of this process, and although I respect and understand that, I happily disagree. I am, at the end of it all, very happy with my process.

Can I just quote the Discernment letter? No? Okay.

I am enthusiastic about our church. It’s history and it’s future. I am eager to be a part of that future. I am friendly and outgoing. I love working with all age groups but have been drawn towards working with youth in particular.  I run my own business and have a theatre background predominantly in stage management and I believe these skills will help me greatly, in most aspects of ordained ministry. I am learning to not over commit and to delegate responsibility, two lessons I very much needed to learn. I believe I can lead gently and am patient. I love to learn and find discussion a great way to develop my thoughts and ideas. I know this might be strange, but I believe my friends and family are also one of my gifts. There is more support for me within this group of people than I could ever have hoped for and that means I will be better able to support others.

Ah money. Honestly, I am still not sure. I know I promised my husband that we would not incur more debt in order for me to go to school. I know, that as my children get older and daycare costs decrease the money freed up will probably cover tuition. I know that although I will apply for funding I want to have the funds available and then if I need it, it is there and if not the money will be put aside for the following years. I pray that when the time comes, it will be what I need.

Thank you. Bless you.

Beki