I should have said a lot of things.

I'm 37.
Some of you know that.

I drive a 1997 Accord.
Some of you know that too.

Today I had a job interview at Goodlife Fitness.
I was thinking about some questions the interviewer, J might ask me.
"What is your attitude towards your body?"

What is my attitude towards my body? My car is a 97 sedan. Good trunk space, good engine, body looks like ass. Tracy, has had a few inner working malfunctions, and I have repaired those, to keep her in working order. She is dinged and dented and scraped to heck. Not all my doing but that is the truth that is Tracy (My car). So I don't really care if someone opens their door too hard into mine, or if some brushes hard against my bumper and scrapes off the paint. It doesn't bother me if I get a dent or if Rob bumps me when he is backing into the parking spot. She is already cosmetically challenged, so I don't care.

*I know, you know where I am going with this*

Today as I was thinking about that question I realized that I have been treating myself exactly the same way. The inner parts function well. Maybe not 100% but I still get around and can do most of what I think I should be able to do. But on the outside, there is damage. Some of it is not my fault, some is an outer reflection of what damage has been done internally and I have done my best to repaired that damage so that I can stay in working order. The rest, well, I just haven't cared. People and life have left their marks and scrapes on me and I have done nothing to protect or repair myself. I have given up on the external gear. I treat myself like I am my car.

Occasionally, I do a spurt of management and attempt to repair. Sometimes I do paint touch ups (on me and Tracy) these are, at best bandages, and they eventually fall away. Instead of working on sprucing up the exterior, I mean REALLY working on it, I spend my time trying really hard to gain approval from people. Talking too much in order to make up in some way for my physical deficiencies. I reveal too much, too quickly. (except here of course where it is all about you) I am forever trying to feel like enough. To everyone.


e v e r y o n e


Now please, I know my friends, do not feel that this is when you need to write to tell me I am wonderful. I'll sign autographs later. This is just, well it just is. It is my issue and I am not putting out there because I need to be stroked. If you want to commiserate be my guest, but since I think I know all my readers I am here to tell you you ARE wonderful.

I'm not sure where the feelings of inadequacy began. I'm sure that will come to me in my dreams tonight. (Why am I always so much more insightful in my dreams?) I spent my childhood trying to be perfect, and falling short. Imagine that! Perhaps that had something to do with it, I dunno. This feeling of not being enough, it hasn't been put on me by others. I have picked it up and put it on myself.

For example my Husband - It's odd. I mean I spend a lot of effort trying to woo (yes I said woo) my husband. My partner for almost 15 years. Still, everyday I try to impress him. Because? I feel like I may not be everything he needs me to be (insert pinup girl image here) and I am desperate to prove myself to him. He's never asked me to be more than I am, but . . .

but . . .

Cooking. I cook to try and win peoples approval. My friends, by the way, are not this shallow. They would come even if I didn't have a scrap of food in the house. I know this about them and yet . . .

yet . . .

I love the people in my life. I am blessed to have such amazing friends. I don't do things to impress people so they think I am amazing. I just want to be enough.

But I've been running on empty. I feel like I can never catch up to what never was, and honestly, what probably never needed to be. Not like someone else hung this around my neck. I carry it. I can put it down, or at least I think I can. I've spent a lot of time thinking about why I feel I am not living up to my potential. I think it might be because I spend a great deal of time trying to live up to someone elses. I'm putting it down. I have too. If I continue I am going to end up more of a stranger to myself than I already am. So when I began this cleanse 22 days ago, I thought I would do it for a year. To REALLY take care of myself, and let everyones opinion of me slide a little, and if it does, let that go.

SO:
I am not doing this to impress you. I am doing it to impress me. I am not doing this so you think I am strong. I am doing this to be strong. I am not doing this because I don't want you to know I am a work in progress. I am doing this because I know I am. I am not doing this because I want you to love me more. I am doing this because I want to love me.



And one last thing.
Just so you know.
You are enough.
You always have been.
You always will be.
And, I love you.

Love Be