The Search

I have spent the better part of 20 years "looking for myself". I know, you know what I mean. The proverbial, "My life has been a raw deal and I have stuffed myself (Literally) and my feelings away and so now at age __ I don't know who I am. I need to lose weight / quit drinking / sleeping around etc. in order to 'find' myself and be my authentic self." story.

I have written and written and written. I have danced about and talked and talked. I have repeated and repeated the woe is me story. Fuck it!

There is a damned good chance that that is all posturing. I'm not saying that shit hasn't happened. It has. But after 30 years, and 20 years of wallowing in it and moaning about how damaged I am, I am done. So done.

I was reading some stuff that I wrote in the last decade. I have announced a major life change at least once a year since I was old enough to have an idea about what that meant. I was so bored with myself and so irritated over reading the same drivel over and over. I felt a little like Sue with the 'Sue'clear Weapon on Glee. always looking for the bigger and better prize.

Truth is, I have enough.
Truth is, I am not the walking wounded.
Truth is, I am more than the jerks offs who used me.
Truth is, I am generally great.

I'm not sure why and what triggers a trip down the wallowing way but God Help Me I am sick of me.

I wrote a little to R* tonight. We have journals from near the beginning of our relationships, which we write to each other in. And this is what come out today.

I am not angry anymore, at least not at anyone else but me. I am not scared of facing myself anymore. I am not even looking for myself. I am right here and probably have been the whole time. The only way there is someone else waiting to get out of me is if I ate them. I am fully formed and no longer in search of a person who is right here.

Perhaps if I stopped selling myself short and looked at where I was and what I was doing with my life I'd wake up and see I'm already in control of a pretty big ship. Me.

I win.

Love
Be