Good Morning

Ah ha moment yesterday.

I was writing yesterday:

"Sitting yourself down with you is scary. Inviting your mind to open wide and explore it's contents is daunting. I think I have explored the surface of my mind almost exclusively. Why not? The underneath is not a place any rational person would want to go. I don't really want to dig into the Douglas Files or the Ronnie Chronicles. The men I chose or who chose me and who dominated, tormented and tried to reduce me*. But, I write these words with a different kid of feeling than I have before. To me it's almost calming. I don't want to dig into the Douglas Files or the Ronnie Chronicles anymore. Oh My God. My God, I don't have to. I don't have to! You know I had never considered that. I can close those chapters."

It is strange I know, but this was really news to me last night. For those of you that know me, you might not think (or perhaps you do) that I am a victim. Or have been. For those of you that know the stories, You may or may not think I have dealt with it all well. The truth of the matter is that these stories enter my consciousness all the time. I spend my days dreading the next time I am going to have to sit down and focus my attention on what has been. Yesterday, ridiculous as it seems, was the first time it occurred to me that I may have done enough. That those stories are just that, stories. Stories that are part of my make up. Stories that played a part in me being who I am. But just that, they are not the whole package. They do not define me exclusively. Brilliant. BRILLIANT!

It's not about not being willing to share this stuff with others if there is something to be gained by it. It's about me, not walking around everyday with the Douglas did this and the Ronnie did that to me always in my thoughts. I do not have to think about it any more. I don't.

*I just wanted to touch on this point for a moment. The power the negative people in your life have over you does reduce you. It does. As long as you continue to allow them to smack you down (figuratively or literally) you are reduced. There are times where allowing people to do that to you isn't really allowing - if you are a kid and someone is messing around with you, that's a situation that is nearly impossible to take control over. But as adults if we continue to let the things we have endured in the past actively effect your life. That is your choice. That has been my problem. Letting shadows of the past block out the sun that is shining in my life everyday right now.

This ah ha is so big for me.

'I got sunshine, on a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside, I've got the month of May.'


Love you
Be